Now I know this current life has me on the fasttrack to a heart attack and/or premature death anyway, but I can't help but feel really scared, nervous, and sad for this life I'm about (hopefully) to stop.
Scared.
I'm scared I'm going to regret the surgery right afterwards. I'm going to cry. I know I will. I will have the least bit of uncomfortableness, or pain, and I will cry and feel sorry for myself and hate myself for doing this. I KNOW I will. Even though I know, DEEEEEEEEPPPPPP DOWN, I know that it's the best thing I can do for myself (and my family), I know I'm going to feel regret and remorse for my 'old' life.
Nervous.
This is nothing new. I'm nervous that this, the end all be all of weightloss tools,will also fail me. I'm nervous that I will be the one loser in 2010 that gained weight on the LB instead of losing it.
Sad.
Goodbye good (read: BAD) food. Goodbye fastfood. Goodbye white bread. Goodbye donuts. Goodbye junkfood. Goodbye my full plate of Chili Colorado from Mi Ranchito in CA where I spent many o' Friday nights with my family enjoying their awesome mexican food. Ya, I know I don't live in CA anymore....but when I go home, I make sure to eat at my fave places. I love food. My DH and I are 'foodies'. We love trying new places and aren't afraid to drop a pretty penny on a decent meal.
You all just need to ignore me. I'm just thinking out loud and thinking of all the things I'm going to miss. This blog really has me soul-searching and I'm learning that food is running AND ruining my life. So, as much as I might cry, bitch, whine, mourn, and feel pathetic and sorry for myself....I'm praying it will all disappear when I see the weight start to fall off.
Thanks for listening. :/
It seems to me that your soul searching/mourning/bitching is perfectly normal and healthy. You are embarking on a huge change. Physically, mentally and emotionally. You will be making permanent changes that will impact your life. A little panic, a little WTF! seems in order.
ReplyDeleteYou will be okay. It seems to me that you are doing the right thing for you. *hug*
I could have made this post. Actually I was thinking of this same sentiment to post earlier today. You are not alone!
ReplyDeletehere's a cyber hug for support - I'll be standing with you having the same issues so we can just lean on each other
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone!! Karen, I'm going to hold you to that!!!
ReplyDelete