This is a long post. Mostly ramblings and totally scatterbrained, so I apologize in advance and consider yourself warned.
Hey guys. Remember me? I'm the MIA blogger in TX. I would say I'm alive and well, but I'd be lying if I said I was completely well, 'well'. I've got a lot of crap going on in my brain. I don't know whom or what to blame it on. It's like I am completely overwhelmed by my life, but yet I feel like I'm trying to fill this void.
What void you may ask? That's the thing. Who the hell knows. When I started this journey, I did a lot of soul searching and trying to figure out the 'whys' and the 'whats' of how I got obese in the first place. Did I eat to numb my REAL emotions? Did I eat out of boredom? Loneliness? Fear? Anger? All of the above? None of the above? Couldn't tell ya. Now that I'm not using food to cope with unpleasant feelings in my life...let's just say I feel like CRAP. I must preface by saying that my attempt to get back on my happy pills (aka, zoloft) was an epic fail. After my last fill, I'll be damned to get it down without causing EXTREME pain. I've tried breaking them into small peices and that didn't work. I tried crushing them and the taste made me want to throw-up even more. (does anyone know if Z is available via liquid??) Anyway, I bought a new and improved pill crusher and I'm totally open for solutions on how to get around this disgusting, but oh so needed, pill dilemma. Getting an un-fill is out of the question for now, so I need to get creative.
Anyway, back to what I was saying. Meds withstanding, I feel like crap and I've been the worst mom and wife lately. Confession. I've told my 7yo daughter to 'SHUT UP" on more than one occasion in the last few days. That might not seem like a big deal to you, but I feel horrible about it. I'm not one to talk to my kids like that, and as soon as I said it, I instantly felt horrible. But, that didn't stop me from telling her to shut-up not 10min later. I just feel like I'm a ticking time-bomb and anything and everything is going to set off this rage.
Yes, it feels like an inner rage. But yet, the next hour I could be totally fine...but then all it takes is one simple comment from someone that I love to make me totally become unglued again.
I've been especially ticked off at my husband. His birthday was yesterday and I think I lost my temper with him a few times. I was frustrated at his lack of attention to the details of getting the baby ready to go out to dinner, so I snapped at him. He said, at dinner, 'you should have brought a bib for her' and my response was "I'm sorry, I can't *BLEEP* think of every *BLEEP BLEEPEN* thing when it comes to our children *BLEEP* *BLEEP* BLEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPP*! Ya, I was mad. It might not across that way, but I was livid...several times this weekend and prior to. I've just been so pissed off. Nothing is making me happy. Even doing stuff that I love isn't making me feel better. Being around the people that I love doesn't do it either. I just feel numb and pissed off.
Is this what I really feel like when A) I'm not allowed to self-medicate with food, and B) I'm off my Z's??? I never thought food made me feel better, emotionally. I ate because I liked the taste of XYZ, not because of how it made me feel. Or did I?!?!? Now that I'm physically unable to gorge myself, is this what I have to look forward to on a daily basis? It sucks. Badly.
I never in my life thought that my happiness revolved around what I ate in a 24hr period. It's really sad. Now I'm eating just to reach my calorie quota and I guess it's left a huge void in me.
Even the weight loss doesn't make me happy. I read something on someones blog about 'vanity sizing' and I think that is effecting my mood as well. 26s still fit, yet I was able to get into a size 20 the other day. Explain that. Also, how is it that someone can lose 30 flippin pounds, yet still wear the same size clothes as before?? My MIL had to make matters worse when she reminded me 'doesn't 10lbs equal 1 dress size?!'. Not for me, apparently. It's looking like mine is a 50lb loss. Maybe then I will be in the market for smaller clothes. Dare to dream. It makes me mad because I didn't THINK I was squeezed into my 24s & 26s. Hell, maybe I was and my perception was totally effed up. YA THINK!?!?!
I'm having this light bulb moment right now. My reality, or what I thought was my reality, was just a farce. Everything I knew and believed in, didn't really exist. Damn, this is making my head hurt.
Which reminds me. I'm writing this ala Vicodin. I've had a killer headache since Noon today. We were out of town all day and have only been home for about 2hrs. I took some medicine (V is what I had on hand AND in a liquid) and now the headache is gone, but I'm feeling pretty loopy. WHICH might explain this post. HA!
See, I told you this would be all over the place.
I just have so much going on. Maybe it's stress. We finished up two birthday's this weekend, and now we only have my daughter's. I'm finally done with her shopping, the invites are ALMOST completely done, and now I just have Halloween to get through. I, like the idiot that I am, decided to make P1's costume this year. I got quite a bit done today, but I still have a lot more. Here I go again, trying to fill some void by spreading myself entirely too thin. Oh, did I also mention that I'm going to sign up to sell Scentsy?! (never heard of it?! Ask away and I will tell you ALL about it!! It's the best thing since sliced bread. Mmmmm, bread. I digress....). Have I also mentioned that I also sell Close to My Heart (scrapbook supplies) AND that I work full-time outside the home?! Needless to say, I'm busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest. :/
Well, I guess I should go to bed. Staying up late won't help anyone. Lord knows my state of mind won't benefit from it.
If you made it this far, I really thank you. I've had a lot on my mind and it feels good to purge some of this internal crap. I think I need to get back to blogging. If anything, just to free up some memory in this brain of mine. *hugs*
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Sometimes a good vent helps.
ReplyDeleteI am not a trained professional, here but I do believe that part of what you are experiencing is a normal bubbling up of all the crap you have kept suppressed for so long. Feelings, doubts, pain, happiness, all kinds of feelings that you would normally numb with food.
Okay, while I don't endorse yelling at the kiddos, if it happens on occasion, I very much doubt that any lasting damage will be done. Maybe it is time for a little sit down with your daughter and a conversation (in age appropriate terms) about what you have been through and what changes you are making and that maybe the two of you can be partners in your progress and she can help you, sometimes. And, if you get a bit short tempered, maybe she can remind you to take a breath, step back, reassess and then carry on. :)
I don't know if Zoloft is available in liquid form. Maybe you can call your doc or pharmacist? Have you tried crushing the pill into a powder and mixing it in a small amount of something that goes down easily? A little bit of smoothie or protein shake or something? Would that work? Would it be okay with the medication? Sounds to me as if that is something you kind of need. I hope that you work something out.
Sizes drive me nuts! And I totally understand where you are coming from. It wasn't until just recently that I could start wearing smaller clothes. I was losing and losing and losing and still in my biggest clothes and feeling as if I was getting nowhere, fast. Part of it, I think was that I was so large and filled out those garments to the extreme (seam bursting extreme, here) and so it took time for me to get into smaller stuff.
Add to that the fact that I wear larger sizes than I look, and you can see my dilemma. lol
Okay, I just wrote War and Peace in your comments, so I am going to go, now. lolol
I can relate to so much you say!! I also take Zoloft but have not had problems swallowing it. I do take it at night now though. I have also been a ball of stress and have a major cas of Debbie Downer. You have to get back on your Zoloft! Have you tried cutting it in fourths?
ReplyDeleteI totally understand the clothes situation. It took me forever to get to a smaller size. Once I did though, I didn't stay there long and am constantly in search of a smaller size. Gets EXPENSIVE!
ReplyDeleteI would try crushing the zoloft and putting it in a shot glass of thick chocolate milk. Or a little bit of protein shake with sugar free syrup like Torani (at walmart) That stuff kills all wierd tastes!
I wouldn't worry about damaging the children with your mood. I think that it is better to have the children know that certain things they do upset you rather than be let to do whatever they please and become out of control teenagers!
Awww...hun, I wish things were easier. You sound like you need a good girls time out. Maybe a trip to TX is in order again. LOL I think the other ladies gave you some good advice. I think that once you are back on your happy pills, things will look easier, but you also have to give yourself time for YOU and not spread yourself so thin. (this all comming from the queen of spreading herself thin). I can give advice but I sure can't take it. (((Hugs again)))
ReplyDeleteThanks ladies for the comments. I haven't been able to try any of the suggestions you mentioned, but I would love more info about the syrup. I saw it at WM, but wasn't sure what would be the best in terms of flavor. I have vanilla protein powder. Heather- Any suggestions for flavor??
ReplyDeleteAshlylin- I'm sorry you're feeling bad too. Misery loves company, you're more than welcome to bitch and complain to me too! *hugs*.
Thanks Erica for the advice. It really means a lot!
A- *hugs* You know I love you!