I suck

189. That's what the scale said this morning. Even though I won't record it until next Friday, the fact of the matter is I've gained three pounds from last week. It sucks. What sucks even more is that now that I have this freedom, I'm taking advantage of it.

Despite my daily walking/eliptical efforts, I'm still gaining and eating. It's awful. I've suddenly forgotten every band rule there ever was:
Small bites? Not hardly.
Chewing my food to mush? Ya right.
Not drinking & eating at the same time? Uh nope.
Stopping when I feel full? What's this 'full' word you speak of?

The few behaviors I'm continuing to do well is exercising & not drinking soda.

See what I mean though? I'm a mess. I feel like such a failure. It's almost my bandiversary and I wanted to be down 100lbs, but now I'll be lucky to be down 70 at the rate I'm going. (Not that 70lbs isn't something to balk at- but still, when the scale is moving in the opposite direction, it still sucks big hairy balls.)

I need to go back to see DK on Friday and I pray that I get some restriction back. It's obvious I need it. Hell, if I could have done it by myself, I wouldn't have needed the surgery in the first place. I can't help feeling like I'm going to undo everything I've accomplished so far and that scares the piss out of me.

I need help.