Days since Band and I became One

My Scale

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Little bit of This...

Thanks for the Z comments from before, friends. I was able to get it a few days earlier than expected and let me tell you DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!!!! OMG, I'm just destined not to take this damn medicine. Thinking about it now makes me throat tighten up and makes me want to hurl. Uggghhhh. I've been doing it though. I mixed it with some SF Koolaid Fruit Punch and that made it taste a hair better, but man alive is that shtuff NASTY. In fact, that reminds me...I forgot to take it last night and I have yet to take it tonight. Ugggg. Pity me. ;P

So what's been going on with me????

Hmmmm, finally had the girl's bday party yesterday. It was a hit. It rained cats, dogs, and chickens, but the turn out was OK. On the invitation, I asked for "Regrets Only" to call. Did I receive any?!?! Only one, so I thought almost everyone (22 kids) were coming. Well, we only had like 12 kids show up. I mean, is it really too hard to pick up the damn phone and say you can't make it?!?! Makes me mad. So, needless to say, I have a ton of party favors and cupcakes leftover. Speaking of cupcakes, I did very well and I didn't even have a nibble. I can give up cake. If it was a brownie, well, that would have been different.

So, did I tell you about the knock-out drag out with the hubby? Ya, it wasn't pretty....but long story ended with a plan of action, tears, and AMAZING SEX!!!!!!! hahahaha TMI- Sorry. But isn't the making up the best part of any fight with your lover?!?!?

EJ is doing well. Still tight, but I'm slowly being able to eat more. Last night, after the party, we went to a local pizza place with the family. It was a buffet and it was the strangest thing to be there and not eat until I felt like I was going to explode. In fact, I kept having this weird thought in my head for some reason. It was "Oh, this is good pizza...we'll have to come back when I can eat more." Then I would think "HELLO?!?!? You will NEVER be able to eat more!!" It was kind of depressing. In fact, it was real depressing. There it was, good food and LOTS of it at my disposal and I couldn't gorge myself. Very odd. I guess I still have some work to do concerning my new normal. I left feeling stuffed at eating a 1/4c of salad, two fettucine noodles, 1 med slice of pizza with only half the crust and the (measly) toppings off of two other pieces of pizza. Oh, and half of a dessert stromboli! YUMMMMMYYYYY. Wow, even that sounds like way too much food for me, compared to what I've been consuming lately.

Maybe I've griped about this before, but since living in the south, around this time of year I'm always preturbed at the people who say they 'don't do Halloween' due to their religious convictions. BUT, they see nothing wrong with doing a 'Fall Festival' and such. I hate to break it to you people, but it's the SAME DAMN THING, minus the door to door candy exchange!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You think by removing witches and goblins, and keeping pumpkins and scarecrows that all the "BAD" stuff is removed. Nope, it's still dog shit, no matter what kind of pretty box you put it in! RIGHT?!?! IDK...that's just something I had to get off my chest! I love Halloween. I also LOVE Harry Potter. SHOCKING, I know, I'm going to Hell!!! bwahahahahah

Hmmmm, what else can I bitch about?!?!

I'm almost done with the Halloween costume. P1 is going to be a woodland Fairy. Did I mention this?! I will post pics when I'm through! I will also post pics of the party. I made the cupcakes and the cupcake stand all by my self! The table looked cool and P1 loved it! That's all that matters!!!

Anyway, I guess I better go to bed. I still have to take my yucky medicine. I know someone gave me a suggestion about using that syrup from Walmart, I would love to know more about a recipe. I saw the flavors, but I don't know what will work best!! Thanks gals!!!!!! Hope everyone has a fantastic week!

OH- before I forget. If you all could spare some thoughts and prayers, I would greatly appreciate it. My 83yo grandpa had a fall a week ago and it was determined that he had a bleed on the brain. He had surgery to relieve it on Friday, but today they found another. He's currently in ICU awaiting a plan from his doctors. It's very hard on our family as we've been EXTREMELY fortunate not to have any serious illnesses thus far. My grandma is having a rough time as he's been her loving husband for 58 years. Thanks everyone.

Dare to Compare

It's that time again! I know, it's WAY overdue, but here is the latest comparison pics. I'm pretty content with the loss so far. It's still not as fast as I would hope, but it's my fault. I don't work out at all. Not lately anyway. Shoulda. Woulda. Coulda. I will get back on the horse, even if it's just walking around the block.

Friday, October 15, 2010

8 more days & an SV

Thank you for all the suggestions about the Z tricks. I did call the pharmacist just now and found it is available as a liquid. Praise Jesus!!! In 8 more days my insurance will pay for it.

My SV happened this morning. I'm finally at 230. One stinkin pound away from being in the 220s! That makes me :)

Things are still rough at home. Since I'm on my phone and at work, I can't go into detail, but I'm hoping in about two weeks things will start to look up.

Hope u all are well!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

REAL Feelings, is this what I'm feeling?

This is a long post. Mostly ramblings and totally scatterbrained, so I apologize in advance and consider yourself warned.

Hey guys. Remember me? I'm the MIA blogger in TX. I would say I'm alive and well, but I'd be lying if I said I was completely well, 'well'. I've got a lot of crap going on in my brain. I don't know whom or what to blame it on. It's like I am completely overwhelmed by my life, but yet I feel like I'm trying to fill this void.

What void you may ask? That's the thing. Who the hell knows. When I started this journey, I did a lot of soul searching and trying to figure out the 'whys' and the 'whats' of how I got obese in the first place. Did I eat to numb my REAL emotions? Did I eat out of boredom? Loneliness? Fear? Anger? All of the above? None of the above? Couldn't tell ya. Now that I'm not using food to cope with unpleasant feelings in my life...let's just say I feel like CRAP. I must preface by saying that my attempt to get back on my happy pills (aka, zoloft) was an epic fail. After my last fill, I'll be damned to get it down without causing EXTREME pain. I've tried breaking them into small peices and that didn't work. I tried crushing them and the taste made me want to throw-up even more. (does anyone know if Z is available via liquid??) Anyway, I bought a new and improved pill crusher and I'm totally open for solutions on how to get around this disgusting, but oh so needed, pill dilemma. Getting an un-fill is out of the question for now, so I need to get creative.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. Meds withstanding, I feel like crap and I've been the worst mom and wife lately. Confession. I've told my 7yo daughter to 'SHUT UP" on more than one occasion in the last few days. That might not seem like a big deal to you, but I feel horrible about it. I'm not one to talk to my kids like that, and as soon as I said it, I instantly felt horrible. But, that didn't stop me from telling her to shut-up not 10min later. I just feel like I'm a ticking time-bomb and anything and everything is going to set off this rage.

Yes, it feels like an inner rage. But yet, the next hour I could be totally fine...but then all it takes is one simple comment from someone that I love to make me totally become unglued again.

I've been especially ticked off at my husband. His birthday was yesterday and I think I lost my temper with him a few times. I was frustrated at his lack of attention to the details of getting the baby ready to go out to dinner, so I snapped at him. He said, at dinner, 'you should have brought a bib for her' and my response was "I'm sorry, I can't *BLEEP* think of every *BLEEP BLEEPEN* thing when it comes to our children *BLEEP* *BLEEP* BLEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPP*! Ya, I was mad. It might not across that way, but I was livid...several times this weekend and prior to. I've just been so pissed off. Nothing is making me happy. Even doing stuff that I love isn't making me feel better. Being around the people that I love doesn't do it either. I just feel numb and pissed off.

Is this what I really feel like when A) I'm not allowed to self-medicate with food, and B) I'm off my Z's??? I never thought food made me feel better, emotionally. I ate because I liked the taste of XYZ, not because of how it made me feel. Or did I?!?!? Now that I'm physically unable to gorge myself, is this what I have to look forward to on a daily basis? It sucks. Badly.

I never in my life thought that my happiness revolved around what I ate in a 24hr period. It's really sad. Now I'm eating just to reach my calorie quota and I guess it's left a huge void in me.

Even the weight loss doesn't make me happy. I read something on someones blog about 'vanity sizing' and I think that is effecting my mood as well. 26s still fit, yet I was able to get into a size 20 the other day. Explain that. Also, how is it that someone can lose 30 flippin pounds, yet still wear the same size clothes as before?? My MIL had to make matters worse when she reminded me 'doesn't 10lbs equal 1 dress size?!'. Not for me, apparently. It's looking like mine is a 50lb loss. Maybe then I will be in the market for smaller clothes. Dare to dream. It makes me mad because I didn't THINK I was squeezed into my 24s & 26s. Hell, maybe I was and my perception was totally effed up. YA THINK!?!?!

I'm having this light bulb moment right now. My reality, or what I thought was my reality, was just a farce. Everything I knew and believed in, didn't really exist. Damn, this is making my head hurt.

Which reminds me. I'm writing this ala Vicodin. I've had a killer headache since Noon today. We were out of town all day and have only been home for about 2hrs. I took some medicine (V is what I had on hand AND in a liquid) and now the headache is gone, but I'm feeling pretty loopy. WHICH might explain this post. HA!

See, I told you this would be all over the place.

I just have so much going on. Maybe it's stress. We finished up two birthday's this weekend, and now we only have my daughter's. I'm finally done with her shopping, the invites are ALMOST completely done, and now I just have Halloween to get through. I, like the idiot that I am, decided to make P1's costume this year. I got quite a bit done today, but I still have a lot more. Here I go again, trying to fill some void by spreading myself entirely too thin. Oh, did I also mention that I'm going to sign up to sell Scentsy?! (never heard of it?! Ask away and I will tell you ALL about it!! It's the best thing since sliced bread. Mmmmm, bread. I digress....). Have I also mentioned that I also sell Close to My Heart (scrapbook supplies) AND that I work full-time outside the home?! Needless to say, I'm busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest. :/

Well, I guess I should go to bed. Staying up late won't help anyone. Lord knows my state of mind won't benefit from it.

If you made it this far, I really thank you. I've had a lot on my mind and it feels good to purge some of this internal crap. I think I need to get back to blogging. If anything, just to free up some memory in this brain of mine. *hugs*

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Happy October with a Pic!

I know I'm three days (or four days!?!) late, but humor me!

How's it going, everyone??

I'm still here. Busy as always. The birthdays are still consuming my attention right now. I haven't been on my laptop in weeks. I had strep last week and my oldest had some viral throat infection, my DH has some raging stomach bug that kept him on the throne for four days. EEK!!!!!!!!!! So far, my youngest has been free of any ailments (knock on wood).

I'm FINALLY in the 230s officially, and I'm SOOOO close to the 20s I could reach out and slap it!!!!! I thought I needed an unfil for a week, but on Thursday it suddenly got a little looser. I'm still having trouble getting all my water down because I get full, and then it does that weird drain unclogging gurgle thingy. I think it's the same thing Amy was talking about on her blog a few posts ago. I go see DK on Wednesday and I'm hoping they will leave it alone. I think I might be currently at my sweet spot. Well, the SS for the time being.

Well, I guess I should get going. I'm in the midst of laundry and I hear baby girl in there making noises. It's only a matter of time before her sweet baby jabber turns into full blown WAILS of grumpiness!!!

Here is a pic that was taken about 10 days after I was banded.

Here is a pic, a self portrait if you will, that I took a few days ago. I look like hell, but hell that is almost 30lbs lighter than a few months ago!