Fear

What are you afraid of??

My fears (some are worse than others):

A lot of pain following the surgery
Gas Pain
Complications from surgery
Complications during healing
Being an emotional mess due to hunger during the two week Optifast plan
Only having liquids for two freakin weeks.
Being an emotional mess after the surgery due to pain and hunger
Not being able to eat Mexican food again or donuts or bread or rice
Not being able to celebrate with others when they celebrate with food
I'm going regret getting the LB, initially.
I'm going to be watched like a hawk at work from the old ladies whom I'm sure already talk about what I eat, regardless. ("You're eating a Healthy Choice meal?! You SHOULD be eating a Lean Cuisine. Tsk tsk")
I'm going to be a bitch to my family when I can't eat what they are eating
I'm going to be throwing up constantly
I'm going to die a premature death despite losing 100+ lbs
I won't lose the weight
I will fail
Having poo issues
I'll be the one that loses the weight, but gains it right back with gusto
Disappointing myself, my husband, my family, my doctors
Losing all the weight, but inside I will still feel like I'm fat
Having too much skin leftover
Looking older
Having the band erode and/or have it be recalled in like 5yrs after having it


I'm sure there are more, but that's all I can think of right now.

Dietician Class Tomorrow

Tomorrow is hoop #3. A class with a dietician at the surgeon's office. They told me it takes an hour, so that's good. For some reason I had the impression that I was going to be there all morning. *wipes brow in relief*

I don't know what to expect. Will it be a 'here is what you get to eat prior to the surgery' OR 'this is what you can expect to eat AFTER the surgery'. I don't know. It's only an hour, so I can't see it being about both, in any detail anyway.

I'll let you know how it goes.

For Sale: Slightly Used Uterus

OMG, I'm having cramps. I haven't had cramps like this since I had my IUD inserted like 9 months ago. TMI- I'm also bleeding too. I haven't had a visit from dear Aunt Flow in I don't know how long either. THIS SUCKS. I'm PMSing, everything is putting me in a bad mood (could be the fact that I've skipped my happy pills for over a week now. Ya think!?!?! I just took them.). I'm stressing this week too. Planning P2's first birthday bash has got me a little bonkers. It's a VERY small party, but I want everything to be perfect, for me....she could give a bunny's behind about it!!

Oh well.... I have my dietician visit on Friday. This little foreplay with the band is winding down to the BIG ONE. INSURANCE APPROVAL!!! I'll keep you posted!

Howdy New Followers!

Normally I wouldn't use the term 'howdy' (can take the girl out of California, but you can't take California out of the girl!) but it seemed fitting! Thanks for following little (well, you know what I mean) ol' me! I'm touched!

6 followers! WOW! Only 357 to catch up with fabulous Amy W! She's a superstar in blogland I'm finding out, and with good reason. She's a hoot! (OK, now I know I've been in TX too long) Well, in the words of nerd girl from FB Day Off, "Amy W, you're my hero". :)

In all seriousness, I really thank you for following and no matter where you are in the Band Laps (get it?!), I hope we can bond through thick and thin (man, somebody stop me!). :)

Full Body Pictures

HAHA! Made you look!

I'm not going to be posting any full body shots of myself until I'm officially given a surgery date. No use exploiting myself (anymore) with photos! hahaha However, when the time comes, I will be a photo posting fool. I promise.

Oh, and for the record, that pic of me up there? That was taken while preggo with P2. I look suprisingly slender (for me) in the face, so I use it. Who says I can't boost myself up a little while I'm in the meantime in between time! ;)

Not (clinically) Crazy, Hoop #2 Complete

bwahahahahahah <----psycho laugh

So I had my psych evaluation today and it looks like I'm NOT crazy, well not crazy enough to prevent me from having LBS! Yippy. I hope I'm not counting my proverbial chickens, but it seems to me I'm one day closer to getting this show on the road. That, my friends, makes me extremely happy and terrified at the same time. :)

The therapist was pretty easygoing and I think she could relate a lot of what my goals and expectations were concerning my weight. I think she is a mom too, so she 'gets it'. After the routine questions were asked like what my fears, goals, life history, etc... I had to answer a series of questions in three seperate test books. Test booklets like fill in the bubble with a Number #2 pencil, type test booklet. I felt like I was taking the CTBS tests all over again! (For those of you not from California, CTBS is the California Test of Basic Skills given to kids to see how smart they are or aren't.)

I think there was roughly 500 questions to answer. Here is a sampling of what I can remember. Oh, answer True or False. OR, False, Slightly False, Moderately True or True. LOL

1. Your use of drugs is starting to effect your job.

2. You are impatient with others who do not understand your plans.

3. You like to sky-dive.

4. You've had your face on numerous magazine covers this month. (I kid you not, true question. Uh, nope, my name isn't Kate Gosselin!)

5. You like to bite the heads off live chickens only on nights with a full moon. (OK, I made that one up, but you get the idea.)

Now, here is one question that I kind of thought "should I answer this truthfully or not?!". I did tell the truth, but if it hurts me I'm going to be PISSED!!!!!

Question: Have you ever taken medications that did not belong to you because you thought they would help you feel better.
I answered: True.

If you are married (or even if you're not), and you have a major headache and your hubby (SO) has some leftover Vicodin lying around from his back surgery, wouldn't you take one?? Cmon, you KNOW you would. I was just being honest and I hope it doesn't turn out to bite me in the bum. Hmmpphhh The surgeon should get the results back in two weeks or less. I'll keep you posted.

Hoop #2 is complete, and in one week I will have my first meeting with the dietician (Hoop numero tres!).

Ugghhh

I cracked and had a soda today. :(

Boo. It was diet. :/

But alas, I shall adapt and overcome.

Random Question

I have a dilemma and I'd like some input. Please please comment!!

Say you have a group of friends who want to do something nice for one of the friends. We all know the one friend, some are closer than others, but we all know her. Now, if we take a collection and not everyone participates (with no explaination)...here's my dilemma..... should the gift be signed from "everyone" or from just the people that gave the $$$$???????

More than likely, no one will know who signed the card, or how it was signed, but on the off chance she sends personal 'thanks'. KWIM?!?!

I know, I'm probably making this a mountain when it shouldn't be, but I'm a perfectionist that way.

On a happy note, I ordered my daughter's first birthday present today! She's getting a chair (oh, and a kitten!) hahahahaha

Well, that was quick...

I've got good news and bad news.

The good news is the lab just called with my study results (like a minute after my last entry!) and I DO NOT have obstructive sleep apnea.

The bad news is I DO NOT have obstructive sleep apnea.

I kind of thought that would be my golden ticket for the insurance approval for the surgery. I still have the high MBI and the blood pressure issue working for me (thumbs up: sarcasm), but I thought for sure the apnea would make me a shoe in. Oh well, guess we'll see how that goes.

This Friday I have my psych eval with the therapist. Hope she doesn't find me crazy or I'll really be screwed. :/

Sleep Study= Night of Non-Sleep

I had my sleep study done on Sunday night. Notice today is now Tuesday. Why didn't I blog about this on Monday? Take a wild guess. Yep, TOO sleepy. I now think the phrase "Sleep Study" is an oxy-moron. There was ZERO sleeping during my sleep study.

For all you LB-ers who need to have a sleep study done as required by their insurance company, here is what you have to look forward to.

I arrived at 8:30pm for my appt. I went shopping earlier in the day and did some other errands so I made sure I was pretty worn out by the time I got there. Once checked in, I was shown to my room.

Then I was told to get in my nightclothes and use the facilities. It was then that I noticed all of these lovely things hanging on the back of the door.

Once I was decent, the tech came in and proceded to put aforementioned lovely things all over me. My head (in my hair). My neck. My face. Both legs. My chest. I would post a pic of that too, but I don't want to scare you all (I look AWFUL, I mean, really really bad!!). There were four sensors on my head to measure brain activity. One near my eye to detect REM sleep. One under my nose to detect whether or not I stop breathing. One of my throat to detect the vibration caused by snoring. One of my jawline to detect teeth grinding. The two on my legs to detect if I have restless leg syndrome (I guess), and then two on my chest to detect heartrate.

Afterwards the tech got me situated in bed, I tried to get comfy. That's when the fun part started. Can we say UNCOMFORTABLE?!?! Besides behind hooked up with a million wires stuck to me, I had one of those oxygen detectors on my index finger and it was starting to bother me and it hadn't even been 10 minutes in!!

I tried to watch TV and even though they had cable (which we don't at home. I KNOW, I can't believe it either), I couldn't find anything to watch. I played Bejeweled on my phone for a bit, and the newly discovered game Bookworm. I even updated my FB status. Since I didn't want them to have to tell me to go to sleep, I turned off the TV and (re)read the book I brought (Eclipse, ala Stephenie Meyer. Yes, I'm one of those moms.) Once I started getting sleepy, I turned off the light and just laid there. Now, I'm not a back sleeper. I like to sleep on my sides. Everytime I tried to roll over, I would feel this tug from one of the wires, so I would roll back to where I was. I think this happened most of the night.

Roll.

Tug.

Roll.

Tug.

Did I mention there was man snoring so loudly across the hall?!?!? OMG, I wanted to smother him with a pillow and I would have had I been able to untangle myself from the prison wires!

Wouldn't you know, after a while nature started calling so I had to alert the tech of my need to pee. I had to turn on the nightlight and sit on the edge of the bed. Sounds easy enough, right?! Well, this nightlight had one of those slide thingamabobs to turn on and off. I couldn't get the damn thing on. Turning it off was OK, but trying to turn it back on was a PITA. So after fiddling with the darn thing for a minute, I finally got it. So as I attempt to hoist myself to the edge of the bed, I'm met with my familiar problem. Roll. Tug. Tug. Pull. etc... Ummm, HELP. I managed to get my legs on the side of the bed and my torso was halfway upright. That's as far as I could move without really unhooking something. I'm sure I was a pretty sight and I hope I gave the gals a nice little chuckle while they're watching me flop around like a fish. Finally she came in and rescued me.

Once back in bed, I think I finally fell asleep after laying there for about 45min. Then I woke up and I think I was in and out of sleep for the next 6hrs. I kept waking up. ALL NIGHT LONG.

So, in a nutshell, they needed at least 3 (or maybe it was 6) hours of sleep to reach a conclusion, and I think I may have provided them an hour. YIPPY. Then, I was left with these marks on Monday. A keepsake of the experience.

I will know the outcome in a week. I'll keep you posted!

My Last Supper, Oh wait, THIS is my last supper...

Since I decided that I was going to move forward with the LB surgery, why is it that every meal feels like it's going to be my last?? I have this sick & twisted mentality of "lets eat EVERYTHING we can now, because in a few months I will be choking down a Cheerio and loving it!" I don't know what happened, but I find myself wanting every bad food choice known to man.
Donuts? check.
Chipotle? check.
Chocolate? check

See what I mean (ooohhhh, Sees candy...only the best candy on Earth, I digress.) Have I mentioned how ADD I am? Oh, you will find out soon enough.

It's like an internal race I'm having with the fat cells. Lets see how many more I can acquire before I'm cut off from the fattening goodness that is donuts, Chipotle and chocolate. Those are just a few of my cravings too. I won't bore you with what I ate this week, but I'm guessing a weight gain of 2-3lbs wouldn't be a shocker. Uuugghhh. I need help.

On a positive note, I haven't had a soda in about a week. That's a miracle considering. I'm trying to cut out artificial sweetners (aka- Rat Crack) but seriously, who am I kidding?! I need my caffeine fix and drinking my coffee or tea without some kind of sweetner just isn't going to happen. Baby steps, T...baby steps.

I have my sleep study done on Sunday night. Bleh. Not looking forward to a bad nights sleep. I'm going to be a mess on Monday, I can already tell. My condolences now.

TTFN

Sick

I'm sick, my family is sick, uggghhhhh. I never had allergies when we lived in CA, but now that we're here, it's allergy central. My DH read somewhere that an area about 20miles from here has the most number of allergens in the country. No wonder when everything starts blooming around here the whole population starts coughing & sneezing. Myself included. Miss I don't have allergies. Aaaaa-choooo

Who Knows?

4 People know. Correction: 4 people IRL know.



Me, my DH, the director at DD's school (she's banded) & my friend.



That's it. For now. Well, I have 3 online buddies that know too! (shout-out, A, S & M!)



A part of me wants to scream "This time next year I'm going to be thin!!!!!!!!" but then the other part of me thinks "Oh dear God, what if I tell everyone that and this time next year I'm NOT thin?" I fear running my mouth off and then having everyone and their mama either A) Turn into the food police, B) watching me like a hawk, or C) expecting my weight loss to be quicker/slower, etc... I'm not stupid enough to think that everyone will approve of my choice. Some will probably think it's a dumb idea and that I should just get my ass on a treadmill. Believe me, this ass has been on the proverbial treadmill most of it's life and sadly, it's still there.

Anyway, I work full-time and I'm wondering whom do I tell and when? I work in a small office and I know the old hens will be cackling it up when they notice changes with my habits...especially the eating habits. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. I mean, I haven't even been approved for the surgery yet.

Sleep Study, AKA Hoop #1

I knew it would only be a matter of time before I was told to have a sleep study done. I have a grandpa, an uncle, and a brother whom all have sleep apnea so I knew this day would come. The good side is that I'm doing it to get my LB covered by insurance, so it's not totally at random. Still, it's a sleep study. Yippy. Can you sense my joy?

Ugghhhh.

It's this Sunday night. I'm planning on going to work Monday morning, but it depends on how it goes. My mom mentioned something about glue in my hair. Huh, what!?!?! I have a ton of hair. That will NOT be fun if I'm spending my Monday morning picking glue out of my head!

I'm not going to work looking like a crack whore with crazy hair either! I have SOME shame.

My 2 Reasons for getting the LB

Enough said.

Happy Anniversary to Us

Today is my anniversary. 8 years. 8 amazing, short years that I've been married to my prince. Sure, we have our ups and downs, and many times I want to sell him on Craigslist, but the fact of the matter is he inspires me to be a better person (there is that "I" word again!) and I couldn't imagine life without him. I love you, hon. Always have and always will. :)

Inspiration

I find it funny that sometimes you find inspiration where you least expect it. What's even funnier is that sometimes, completely random and out of the blue, you are the inspirationer (is that a word?!).

Case in point, I've been reading a few blogs of gals who have had the LB and are showing amazing results. Going back and reading their first few entries was like reading something I would have written. They were where I am now and to see where they are now, it just fills me with HOPE. It gets me thinking that this time next year, I could be 80-100lbs+ lighter than I am now. That thought blows my mind. They've inspired me. Amazingly enough, after I left my first post on a message board, I received a private message from someone who found my posting inspirational to her. Who knew?!? This just goes to show that inspiration is all around you, you just need to pay attention.

Welcome.

So this is my blog.

Correction

This is my diary...Diary of a Fat Chick. Soon to be Former Fat Chick, I hope.

I've made up my mind that I'm going to try to get weight loss surgery. By that, I'm going to apply for the procedure and hopefully I will get approved. This blog is to chronicle the start of my journey from fat chick to former fat chick and everything that happens in between.

I warn you. This is going to be raw. I don't believe in bloggers who claim to put themselves out there via their writings only to read that 99.9999% of the journalings are all sunshine and roses. Seriously?!?! No one believes that. If you're going to blog about your life, don't censor yourself and leave out the 'ugly'. I think I owe it to myself to be honest on here. If not, then what's the point?! So I can paint some shiny happy portrait of my life and try to make others believe I'm as happy go lucky as they wish they could be?!? Nope. Not gonna happen. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not a debbie-downer 100% of the time either. I'd like to consider myself a fairly 'happy' person who basically has an optimisic point of view, but my life is my life and I make no excuses for it, and I'll be damned if I'm going to trick you into thinking my life is FABULOUS 100% of the time.

So there.

Welcome.