Monday, November 5, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
I'm discouraged, again.
I can appeal it. Pay for it on my own, or just have the band removed and just live my life.
Since I have so much going on from now til the end of the year, I'm going to wait to have it removed.
I'm thinking about appealing it. My blood pressure is naturally high, so it wouldn't take much to get back on b/p meds to get one co-morbidity back into play. I'm thinking of writing a story in my appeal. My story. With pictures. Giving them a face to go with a name. Making them see I'm a real person who needs this.
I don't know. My family believes in me to keep the weight off. I just don't believe in myself. This setback has me questioning my determination. I just feel lost.
I feel like I'm stranded at sea. Just me on my raft. Alone. Deserted. Just floating helplessly going wherever the tide takes me. No direction.
I wish someone would take my hand and lead me to wherever it is I need to be. Maybe I am being guided and I just don't know it. Maybe the revision isn't what I need. Maybe I'm meant to fight this battle solely on my own.
I'm not a highly religious person, but I do believe. Maybe I just need to pray about it.
Thanks for listening.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
I hate waiting. I'm not the most patient person out there. If you've been following this blog for any length of time, this is not news.
I have no choice though.
My family is keeping me busy with their drama though, so I have somewhat of a distraction right now. My brother & his baby mama are breaking up. It's a mess and I feel bad for him & the baby, but she's a bitch & he deserves better. He's now realizing this....oh and it didn't help to nail the coffin when he came to the house (that she just kicked him out of 24hrs prior) and found a man there and his young daughter. The daughter was IN HER PJS!!!!! Hello!!!!! You know her excuse to my brother.."it was just a play date." play date my fat ass!!!! He was playing with something alright!!! Grrrrrrr. Skanky bitch.
Let's hope they don't reconcile because in our eyes, she's already trash. Humph.
Have a nice night, everyone!!! ;)
Thursday, August 9, 2012
So, now they're pushing the paperwork through insurance to get me the revision to a sleeve. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. When I was considering WLS two years ago, I never considered any other PERMANENT option. Never. So, now that I'm faced with the decision, I have no clue.
One thing I do know is that since I've been unfilled, I've gained 8 EFFIN pounds. :(. I've been exercising & everything... Eating healthy & tracking on MFP. I did go on a bender yesterday though. Two donuts from my pre-band favorite place in the world and Panda Express for dinner. :(. It wasn't a stellar day and this morning I'm dreading the scale.
Anyway- thanks for reading. I'll keep you posted.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Knowing I can eat whatever, whenever is very very tempting. I'm trying not to go buck wild with my new found freedom, but it's difficult.
This morning, I was at 175.5. Not devastating, but not in the 160s either. Oh well.
On a happy note, I've been busting my ass nightly doing the Jillian 30 Day Shred video again. 30 days straight. No breaks. Tonight will be day 18 (I think!). My hubby said I'm looking smaller and more toned. Yae!!! I'm trying not to gain this weight back. Even if it's 500^ out, I'm still doing something every day. For now, it's the shred. After I'm done, I'm going to use our Kinect, or our dust-collecting elliptical. :). Just SOMETHING!!!
Thanks for the comment, you know who you are. :). I have come a long way and I'm going to try like hell not to go back to where I was. I like being this size. Sure, I could be smaller, but the emphasis now has shifted. It's gone from trying to lose, to now just trying to maintain.
Maintain. That is my new favorite word. Well, that's it for now. I have my EGD on the 26th. Then I meet with DK on 8/1. Then I learn the fate of my band.
Until then, I hope you're all fabulous!
Monday, July 2, 2012
Here I am whining about needing my band removed and fearful that I'm going to gain my weight back and a friend confides in me that she has cancer & needs a full hysterectomy at the age of 36.
This is the first time that someone I know, personally and in the present tense, has uttered those words to me.
It's just heartbreaking. Shocking.
So, I'm not a huge religious freak or anything, but in the last few years, I'm noticing His work affecting my life. I'm sorry that it's taken my friend's cancer diagnosis to open my eyes to all the wonderful blessings I have in my life and I'm thankful.
Very, very thankful.
There is a reason this is happening and I will try to see the goodness that will come from it, instead of focusing on the negative outcome that COULD happen.
I'm hoping & praying for my friend's complete recovery, and I know her family, friends, and her faith will get her through this .
Ps- I've started the 30 Day shred again. Today I completed day 4. YIPPY! LOL
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
I'm not sure if anyone is still reading this, so I write this for me. (hi, if there IS someone lurking here.)
Etc etc etc
I think I blogged about my pouch dilation that I found out I had on 6/13. The PA thought it would correct itself with a protocol of Prevacid, liquids, mushies, and a .5c of food twice a day. For the most part, I followed that. I wasn't perfect, but I was damn near close. I timed my meals to last me twenty minutes. I stuck with the mushies. I didn't eat any fast food. I did have some instances where I ate non-mushie food (steak & asparagus, chewed really well) but I did everything else right.
So yesterday at my follow up appt, they were impressed by my 9lb loss in 13 days. I was floating and do thrilled that more than likely I wouldn't need an unfill. You could imagine my surprise when they did the X-ray and the girl said "oh no, this isn't good.". I was dumbfounded looking at the imagine on the screen. My stomach had completely muffin-topped over the top of the band. :(
I was floored. How the fuck could that happen in just 13 days!?!?! I have no clue. It was so bad they asked me if I was in pain. Nope. The reflux has greatly subsided. No vomiting. No pain. Nothing. Needless to say, they removed all the fluid I had and told me I had to meet with the surgeon to plan the next steps.
What next steps? I would just get it re-filled and slowly build back up to where I was, right?!?
I met with Dk today and it took him five seconds to tell me the band has to come out.
SURELY I DIDN'T HEAR YOU CORRECTLY. YOU SAID YOU WANT TO REMOVE MY BAND??? Ummmmmm, are you out of you fucking mind?!? Ummmm, over my dead 169lb (woot!) body.
Yep, that's what he said. He went on to tell me that it will keep happening and it can cause great damage to my stomach by continuing to have slips like this. He assured me it was nothing I did and that he's seeing a ton of patients like me who are having issues like this and it's not meant for a long term solution like originally thought. WTF. He said patients like me who have had weight issues for most of their adult lives (try since I was 5, buddy), they NEED something permanent. That's where the sleeve was mentioned. More on that later.
So after I picked my jaw up off the floor, I think I just sat there too stunned to say anything. All I could imagine was that the weight, all 92lbs that I've lost, are just there. Waiting to jump in me once this barrier called the LB has been removed. I know it's totally in my head, but I already feel fatter.
It's heartbreaking. He suggested the sleeve, but I can't afford it and my insurance won't cover it because my BMI is too low for it to be covered. (for once, I'm not fat enough. Ironic, no!?!). I can't afford to gain this all back either. I've been told the weight gain after a band removal is awful. It's like it comes back with a vengeance. That scares the piss out of me. BIGTIME.
This is so shocking to me, that I'm having trouble processing everything. I'm so conflicted and confused. I never, ever, ever thought I would need my band removed in two years.
I had even planned to come out of the fat closet around my two year bandiversay (Friday). Planning this big post on fb when I had finally lost the 100lbs. Now, there doesn't seem anything to celebrate about. I feel like I've totally failed. Ironically, again...that is why I didn't let many people know of my decision to get the LB in the first place. I was afraid of it not working and looking like a complete joke to my family & friends. Speaking of family, I encouraged my brother to have it done too, and now I'm going to be worrying about his results (more than I already do).
Anyway- this is my life now.
I am having an EGD done on 7/26 to see what the pouch and esophagus look like and then I will meet with DK on 8/1. From there I think we will schedule the removal. I'm going to insist on another X-ray at that point to really make sure it needs to come out. The insurance coordinator said she will submit my sleeve request to the insurance anyway, even though she's positive I won't get approved, but it's worth a try. I'm still on the fence abou it though.
I talked to my wonderful hubby and he made a few things very clear to me.
1. The band did what it was supposed to do, I lost 92lbs.
2. Even though the journey is over, I'm left with a still-intact stomach...and
3. I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago. Again, I'm 92lbs lighter and I'm now in a prime position (still intact) to lose the remaining lbs and get on the maintenance side of this journey.
and most importantly...
He loves me and we will get through this together.
A pic, then and now.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Thursday, June 21, 2012
I know with me, I was always trying to eat too much for fear of being hungry. Fear of being hungry. Just those words sound so absurd to me. I haven't missed a meal in my life. Where did this irrational fear come from?? Who knows! What I do know now, that I've learned just this week, I can survive on half a cup of food, twice a day and not be hungry. The band IS doing its job. I'm not trying to work against it...not this week anyway.
I wish everyone the best & even though most of my followers don't even visit anymore (I've been a horrible blogger!) I hope at least one person sees this who might benefit from it. :)
Ps- the scale read 170 today! 7.5lbs to go!
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
I've been told I started to develop a second stomach (ie, my esophagus) and that scared the crap out of me. The doc didn't seem that concerned, I mean they didn't even unfill me. Anyway, I'm told to do mushies and shakes for 10 days and then go back to see him next week. I think I've already lost 5lbs and I still have both my arms & both my cats! ;)
I've set up a mini challenge for myself. Be at my goal of 100lbs lost by 6/30. My 2 year bandiversary! So far, I've got 9lbs to go. I woke up this am to 171.5lbs and i need to be at least 162.5lbs.
It's going to be tight. Wouldn't you know it stupid AF decided to visit last night, too. Bitch. So that's where I'm at.
Hope you're all well in bandland!!!
Here is a recent pic of moi...
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
I'm here though. Maybe if I just get into the habit of posting on my phone, my posts won't be so sporadic! :). It's good to have a goal. :/
So, I haven't been to see DK since Jan. we had a death in the family in Feb & that was when I was supposed to go in. I haven't made an appt yet, but I need to. I haven't lost the weight that I gained from the holidays. These 10lbs love their new home.
Anyway, I hope you're all fabulous. :)
Here is a recent pic of me & my big girl. :)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
So that's that. She gave me some new tips. She said "DO NOT EAT ANYTHING YOU CAN'T PICK UP WITH A FORK." Huh, what?! That includes finger/snacky foods either, & soup. So basically, anything good must be avoided. hahaha Why does this have to be soooo hard?!?!? I think your first year with the band and your second year are like night and day. SOOOOO different. That first year, you think "I SOOO GOT THIS" and now the second year you actually have to work. HARD. Ughhh. Why can't it just be easy?!! If it was, we wouldn't need the band. Right??
My dr wants us to do three days of liquids following a fill. What does your suggest?? I normally give them a day, and then it's back to business as usual. You think that's my problem? "YOU THINK?! DUH!!!" I can hear most of you thinking. So, this time I'm determined to go the three days on liquids. I've got my Optifast shakes for breakfast and lunch, and I do have some soup for dinner that I can puree. Does that count as a liquid? I hope so. It's an awesome Sausage, Kale, and Lentil soup I made from scratch. It's SOOO yum! Anyway...so that's that.
I'm determined to get my ass back in the right direction. My clothes aren't fitting well and that scares me. I'm used to them being too loose. NOT TOO TIGHT. :(
Until then....take care everyone!!! Oh, and if anyone needs any Scentsy- let me know! LOL Just your friendly consultant here too! haha
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Today I have an appt with DK to get another fill. I'm at a 4.4cc now and feel like if you put a horse in front of me, I could and would eat it. I have zero restriction. Sure, I've slowed down, but I can still eat a hamburger. And fries. And maybe even a shake. Mmmmm, shake. I digress.
Here is a comparison shot of me a few weeks after surgery (around 246lbs) and my lowest 169.
I can't believe that's me on the right. I look, normal. Or chunky normal. Not obese. Now that I've gained 11lbs, I feel like the girl on the left. I feel like I've failed. Like I'm going to start climbing up and up and up again. Anyway...so that is me in a nutshell. I will be better about blogging. I missed the support I had, and more importantly, I missed the insights you all have given me with your blogs.
Anyway, Happy New Year and I hope you're all doing great! Wish me luck at my appt today. I'm going to ask for a super fill with a side of wired jaw. ;)