Sad day in Bandland

I'm not sure if anyone is still reading this, so I write this for me. (hi, if there IS someone lurking here.)
I'm devastated.
Disgusted.
Disappointed
Angry
Sad
Confused
Pissed off
Hopeless
Scared.
Etc etc etc
I think I blogged about my pouch dilation that I found out I had on 6/13. The PA thought it would correct itself with a protocol of Prevacid, liquids, mushies, and a .5c of food twice a day. For the most part, I followed that. I wasn't perfect, but I was damn near close. I timed my meals to last me twenty minutes. I stuck with the mushies. I didn't eat any fast food. I did have some instances where I ate non-mushie food (steak & asparagus, chewed really well) but I did everything else right.
So yesterday at my follow up appt, they were impressed by my 9lb loss in 13 days. I was floating and do thrilled that more than likely I wouldn't need an unfill. You could imagine my surprise when they did the X-ray and the girl said "oh no, this isn't good.". I was dumbfounded looking at the imagine on the screen. My stomach had completely muffin-topped over the top of the band. :(
SHIT.
I was floored. How the fuck could that happen in just 13 days!?!?! I have no clue. It was so bad they asked me if I was in pain. Nope. The reflux has greatly subsided. No vomiting. No pain. Nothing. Needless to say, they removed all the fluid I had and told me I had to meet with the surgeon to plan the next steps.
What next steps? I would just get it re-filled and slowly build back up to where I was, right?!?
WRONG.
DEAD WRONG.
I met with Dk today and it took him five seconds to tell me the band has to come out.
EXCUSE ME???
SURELY I DIDN'T HEAR YOU CORRECTLY. YOU SAID YOU WANT TO REMOVE MY BAND??? Ummmmmm, are you out of you fucking mind?!? Ummmm, over my dead 169lb (woot!) body.
Yep, that's what he said. He went on to tell me that it will keep happening and it can cause great damage to my stomach by continuing to have slips like this. He assured me it was nothing I did and that he's seeing a ton of patients like me who are having issues like this and it's not meant for a long term solution like originally thought. WTF. He said patients like me who have had weight issues for most of their adult lives (try since I was 5, buddy), they NEED something permanent. That's where the sleeve was mentioned. More on that later.
So after I picked my jaw up off the floor, I think I just sat there too stunned to say anything. All I could imagine was that the weight, all 92lbs that I've lost, are just there. Waiting to jump in me once this barrier called the LB has been removed. I know it's totally in my head, but I already feel fatter.
It's heartbreaking. He suggested the sleeve, but I can't afford it and my insurance won't cover it because my BMI is too low for it to be covered. (for once, I'm not fat enough. Ironic, no!?!). I can't afford to gain this all back either. I've been told the weight gain after a band removal is awful. It's like it comes back with a vengeance. That scares the piss out of me. BIGTIME.
This is so shocking to me, that I'm having trouble processing everything. I'm so conflicted and confused. I never, ever, ever thought I would need my band removed in two years.
I had even planned to come out of the fat closet around my two year bandiversay (Friday). Planning this big post on fb when I had finally lost the 100lbs. Now, there doesn't seem anything to celebrate about. I feel like I've totally failed. Ironically, again...that is why I didn't let many people know of my decision to get the LB in the first place. I was afraid of it not working and looking like a complete joke to my family & friends. Speaking of family, I encouraged my brother to have it done too, and now I'm going to be worrying about his results (more than I already do).
Anyway- this is my life now.
I am having an EGD done on 7/26 to see what the pouch and esophagus look like and then I will meet with DK on 8/1. From there I think we will schedule the removal. I'm going to insist on another X-ray at that point to really make sure it needs to come out. The insurance coordinator said she will submit my sleeve request to the insurance anyway, even though she's positive I won't get approved, but it's worth a try. I'm still on the fence abou it though.
I talked to my wonderful hubby and he made a few things very clear to me.
1. The band did what it was supposed to do, I lost 92lbs.
2. Even though the journey is over, I'm left with a still-intact stomach...and
3. I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago. Again, I'm 92lbs lighter and I'm now in a prime position (still intact) to lose the remaining lbs and get on the maintenance side of this journey.
and most importantly...
He loves me and we will get through this together.
A pic, then and now.

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