Days since Band and I became One

My Scale

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Huge Milestone




Look at that. Isn't it pretty?!? 50. FIVE ZERO. FIVE ZERO POUNDS GONE FOREVER.

That's right, this morning I was greeted by a BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL 212.5lbs on the scale!!!!!! I've lost exactly 50lbs in 6months and 1 day since my surgery.

Is it really possible to think that by the time my anniversary date rolls around that I could be down 100lbs?!? I'm not going to jinx myself and make that my goal because I would hate to be disappointed. I'm just going to keep my pace at losing 10lbs a month and see what happens!!!

Hmmmm, 50 freakin pounds!!! It was a beautiful sight to see!!


So, how do I feel being 50lbs lighter?? What changes have occured, you ask?!

1. I can walk up two flights of stairs and not feel like I'm going to die when I get to the top.

2. I can easily climb in the backseat to buckle my baby in her carseat without feeling like I need a crane to hoist my ass into my SUV.

3. I can get up off the floor from playing with my kids and not feel like my knee caps are going to shoot across the room and kill my husband!

4. I'm waking up in the morning feeling well rested and back pain free (although I'm still grumpy in the mornings and HATE to wake up early, I'm thinking no amount of weightloss is going to change that. I digress....)

5. I can actually walk through the misses dept in a store and feel like there is SOMETHING there that will fit me.

6. The fat clothes in the stores are starting to look really bad to me now. Everything I find doesn't seem like it would flatter me. I guess when you're that big, you don't want to "flatter". You want to look decent at the very least, or in my case, "hide" behind the clothes.

7. My wedding ring is getting dangerously loose on me. I'm thinking about getting it sized, but think I will wait til early July (bandiversarry give or take).

8. Food no longer controls my life.

9. I don't wake up in the morning thinking about my next meal and then the meal after, or what sounds good to me that day.

10. I now wake up thinking about the day ahead: the items I need to accomplish with my career, my personal business and my family, especially my beautiful family.

11. In public, I no longer fear that I'm the biggest person in the room.

12. Fast food is a novelty these days, not a staple.

13. I've thrown away so many Friday donuts at work it's AMAZING. I take a bite (ya, I can't say NO entirely yet), and get my crack fix (haha) and then throw the rest away. Many of you might remember the cookie incident way back at the beginning. I've really come a LONG way.

14. My long-lost dimple on my cheek has reappeared. I haven't seen it in years. Seriously. Like since 1996. LOL

15. I've found I do have a collarbone. Who knew?!? I'm still waiting to see the tendons/veins in my hands and feet. It's the little things. :)

16. It's easier to wipe my ass. (ahem, you KNOW what I mean)

17. I've still gone without soda. Somedays it's hard and I think about Amy and her Sunkist, but I've resisted. My vice is Cranberry or Peach Unsweet Iced Tea from Sonic. Sometimes I feel like I would kill for a diet DP with a splash of cherry & vanilla, but I conquer and move on.

18. I'm starting to notice male attention, positive attention. It could just be my perception, but people seem to be a bit nicer. Odd.

19. I'm always cold now. Who knew fat was such a good insulator.

and

20. I'm off my blood pressure meds and it has been awesome everytime I've had it checked.


It's amazing. When I started this journey at the beginning of 2010, a common complaint I heard (read) from several people was they wished they had had the LB done sooner. At first, like right after surgery and those first Hell months, I thought they were on crack. NOW, I know....

Now I know exactly what they meant. :)

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Ain't too proud to beg!!!!

I need everyones help!!! I'm $200 short of reaching my Scentsy goal of rank advancement by Jan 1st!!!!

If you've EVER entertained the idea of trying Scentsy or ordering one as a gift, or re-stocking your supply, please please please order from my site!!! And hurry!!!!!!!!!

It's www.TrinScents.Scentsy.us

Please repost on your blog, especially if you've tried Scentsy and you love it!!!

Thank you sooooooooooooooo much!!!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Still Trucking

I'm stuffed.

We went out to eat tonight and I think I've eaten more tonight than I have all of last week combined. Half a cheese enchilada. Half a pork tamale. A handful of chips and some guacamole, a few bites of rice and a few bites of beans. Yummmmmmm Everything was wonderful and it felt good AND bad at the same time to be able to indulge for once. These last few weeks, I've been lucky to eat about 2oz of food at a sitting. It must be why I'm averaging like 2-3lbs loss every week. :) That makes me happy, but I can't help to think that I'm losing muscle (since my protein intake is seriously lacking) and/or becoming malnourished. Hmmmm, this is where you lovely people lecture me about the importance of protein.

Go on....


I'm ready.....




I need it......


OK, moving on.

So it's 4 FREAKING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS EVE!!!!!! HOLY SHEEP!!!!!!!!!!! I really need to get off this thing and finish wrapping my presents. When you've been squirreling away crap all year, when you pull it out to finally wrap everything, it hits you like a ton of bricks and you realize you've got too much junk!!!!!

Oh, I think I forgot to mention where I'm at right now, weight wise. This morning the scale read a brilliant 213.5 YEE HAW!!!!!!!!!!!!

As you saw (or maybe you didn't) my sweet P's video below. She's a mess. So cute, but certainly is her mother's daughter. She has my attitude and it's scaring me to death! She has such a little personality and a temper to go along with it. OMG. I shudder to think of life with her as a teenager. Lord have mercy on me!!!!!!!

Speaking of mother-daughter relationships. I'm currently at odds with my own madre. Oh, this blog isn't long enough to go into, but for the most part I have a pretty good relationship with my mother. I'm lucky to have her still around, and I know that. Sometimes she drives me friggen nuts regardless. One of these days I'll need to lament more about it. My mother. She could probably take up an entire month of blog entries from me. Maybe I should do that next month. It IS her bday month, afterall. hahaha

I hear the presents screaming at me (as well as the laundry I need to fold). Nigh-night my pretties!!

Christmas Trainwreck, I mean show!!

Our baby, we are soooo proud :/ Purple pants, far right!

Http://www.YouTube.com/watch?v=nlep3btEvgw

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Sisterhood Goodies & Request!!!

Quick post!!!

I have a ton of 24 & 26 petite jeans, slacks, capris and shirts that need new homes!!! Most are from LB in awesome condition!! I even have some LB bras. 46D & 44D. Pics to come later!

Plz let me know if you're interested!!! TrinScentsAtGmailDotCom

I'm in Serious need of 16 & 18s petite pants and 14/16 shirts if anyone is able!!! :)

Please share this with people who might not be following my blog!!!! Thanks sooooo much!!

Friday, December 10, 2010

217.5 which translated means Wowza Wowza Wowza

Something just occured to me.  I'm 18.5lbs away from being UNDER 200lbs.  That just blows my brain.  When I started this journey, under 200lbs always seemed like a pipe-dream.  I knew it was there, but it wasn't for me to achieve.  Never in my dreams did I think I could get there so quickly.
 
I have you all to thank.  You'll never know what your encouragment means to me.  Especially from the beginning when I was so frustrated by this thing.  I thought for sure I was going to be the one person the LB didn't help.  You all told me to hang in there and it would just happen one day. 
 
Well friends, that day has come.  It's here.  I'm living in it.  I can't believe it.  I still can't believe it.  I wish I could say that I feel a million times better, but for me, I never really felt BAD being where I was.  Sure, I look better.  I sleep better.  My clothes are smaller.  But I don't feel, by ANY means or stretch of the imagination, like I could run a marathon tomorrow or anything.   That's not happening.  T doesn't run!  Maybe that will change when I'm closer to 150, but right now I'm going to say NAY NAY, my good friends.   As I was saying, it's just nice to know that the weight is gone and hopefully it will stay that way. 
 
BlogBand community, we're going to have another member joining our ranks here shortly!  My brother was just given a surgery date of January 5th and I couldn't be more proud of him!!!!  He's got three kiddos and he needs to be around for them, so I'm praying this surgery will help him achieve his goals like it's done for me.   If you remember, and I'm sure I will remind you, please say a little prayer for my younger bro on 1/5/11.

Thanks!!!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Pic Post, Dr Appt, Sweet Spot & Sisterhood alert




More progress pics. These are taken every two weeks, and I'm really glad I take these. It's instant motivation boosts to go back and see where I was compared to where I am now. I still have a ways to go, but I can almost see the light. If you squint, maybe you can see it with me!!

So, I had a follow-up with DK on Friday. From 11-3 to 12-3 I'd lost 8.4lbs. Not too shabby. They were happy with my loss, so we opted out of doing another fill. I think I'm already pretty tight as I can barely choke down a hardboiled egg sometimes (but yet other times I can eat almost an entire Arby's beef dip and a few fries. Figure THAT one out!!). Anyway, I asked for a fluoro shot just to make sure I wasn't stretching my pouch. She said it was borderline and I just need to watch my portions and eat more soup. Ummm, I thought soup wasn't a good thing for bandsters since it's almost a slider food?! Anyway, whatever. I'm just going to watch it from now on.

I asked her about the snot and she seemed to think it sounded like a food allergy. I have to call BS on that hypothesis. I'm not allergic to ANY foods (ok, maybe pineapple, but the jury is still out on that one... I digress). I think she's full of crap. I didn't dare mention the OTHER liquid issues since I didn't want to be the topic of dinner party conversations for the next 5 years. :> I just left well enough alone. Took my 8.4lb loss and ran with it.

I think I'm finally at my sweet spot. I'm finally weighing in the teens and it's a BEAUTIFUL thing. Except my clothes are getting embarrassing. Badly. If there are any sisters, petite size 24-26 sisters, send me a note. trinscentsATgmailDOTcom Did I tell you all my newest pair of work slacks from LB are a....

wait for it...



wait for it......





drumroll please.......................................













18s!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!! Did I share that already?!?!? haha can't remember. Yes, I'm wearing 18 slacks. SCORE!!!!!!!!

Well, I hope all is well in your world and you aren't stressing too much over the holidays. Easier said than done. I'm almost done with my shopping. A few odds and ends left to get and then I'll be DONE!! YIPPY!!!

Nigh-night, sweeties!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

What is wrong with my nose???

I need some advice here.

When I start eating my meal, whatever it is. My nose starts running like a faucet and/or I start sneezing and need to blow my nose something fierce. This has GOT to be band-related. I'm thinking that my body is making the excess saliva (whatever) to aide the digestion process and most of it comes out my nose as well?!?! Right?!?! OMG, it's SOOOO annoying. Is there anything I can do short of not eating to make it stop???

I go back to see DK for my monthly check-up at the end of the week. Uggghh. I don't think I've had a very good month. Maybe I'll see 5lb loss if I'm lucky.

OK, back to subject of bodily fluids. LEAVE NOW IF YOU'RE SQUEMISH & TMI warning!!!!!!

Soooooo, let's talk cervical mucus. For women who have had fertility issues or just know their bodies really well, we all know we have certain times of the month with increased...errrrrr, fluids VAY DOWN THERE. ;) Now, maybe it's all in my imagination, but the last few months I've noticed some serious ummmmmm, wetness going on. (SORRY- SO TMI!!!!). Could this have ANYTHING to do with my nose issue?!?!?! Before anyone thinks I've got some infection going on...I'm fine. No odor. Just a lot of...well, YOU KNOW. I'm not even super frisky either so it's not like I'm just ovulating or anything. IDK. Very odd.

Anyway, so that concludes my biology questions for today. :)

Monday, November 29, 2010

5 months Bandiversary and I'm in the teens! WOOT!

It occured to me earlier that today is my 5 month anniversary since I was banded. Insane. I was also greeted this morning with a brilliant number on the scale:

223...which let me remind you...

IS 4 LBS heavier than DK's scale....drumroll please...

THAT MAKES ME 219!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Dance Happy Dance Happy Dance!!!!!!

I took this most recent comparison on Friday, the 19th. I messed up the date on the first one, but this is a 'then and now' shot. I still have a ways to go, but I'm thankful to finally be seeing a difference, feeling a difference, etc...



Saturday, November 20, 2010

8 Years in Pictures

I have been online trying to update the layout of my blog. I was SOOO sick of what I had before. When I started looking around online, I found this one for Xmas! I thought it was pretty groovy! Anyway, so I started playing with the layout and I was going to put some older pics in the column on the right so people viewing my blog could see where I was before all of this started.

You know, the fat pictures.


Or should I say, the fat-ER pictures.

I'll probably still put them on my blog layout eventually, but I decided to post them here.

These really make me sad to look at. Not only do I remember that girl so well, but when searching for pics, I realized they were hard to find. I know the moms out there can probably relate to always being the photographer and never the subject, but I think I made a conscience effort in the last 8-10 yrs to avoid being in front of the camera. I mean, avoid it like the plague. What makes me more sad, is scanning through holiday pics of my oldest DD and not seeing ANY of me with her.

It's almost as if I wasn't even there.

That really breaks my heart. God forbid if anything happens to me while my girls are still young (or really ever), I would like to leave behind some photographic evidence that they did have a mother who loved them with all of her being. By being absent in the pics, whether intentionally or not, is really upsetting to me. Going through these have made me realize that I need to force my non-photographer DH to take some pics of me and my girls. They need to know I was there and that I love them.

OK....here we go. A trip down plus-size memory lane....









Heels were created by the Devil

I've been wanting boots. Not cowboy boots. Not suede low boots. Oh no, those would be too easy. I wanted heeled boots. Sassy boots. Boots that say "Look out world, I've lost 40lbs and I'm feeling ZESTY!!" OK, not really...but I did want a pair of boots, with a heel to look great with the prep coat I got from Old Navy a few weeks back (Size XXL BABY!!!!!!!!). So I found some. Low boots (because I'm still a big girl with big calves, so high boots aren't an option; YET!) I found two pairs, actually. One at p@yless while shopping with my daughter for boots for her (I know, only the best for me and family! bwahahahaha I don't spend money on quality shoes for me. I'll get into that post at a later date). Anyway, so I found those, and then I found another pair at JCP. Similar in styles, but different enough to warrant buying both of them.

Let me see if I can find pics.....


OK, this is the p@yless boot, 2.75in heel:


This is the JCP boot, over 3in heel:



Cute, eh?!

I had been wearing the first boot around the house, in thick socks trying to break them in. They are pretty comfortable. So after a few days, I decided I would try to wear them to work yesterday. It's our casual day. I thought wearing my new coat, my size 18 Gloria V jeans I rec'd from the S'Hood, and my boots would make for a VERY spiffy T.

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY............. HEELS are made from the DEVIL. How on earth do women wear those daily??????????????? I just don't get it!!!!!!!!!!! I tried to do as little walking as required in my day, but I did have to make a trip to the mall to buy my Harry Potter tickets and grab an ornament at Hallmark. By the time I got back to the car, I felt like I was walking on hot coals and that I would tip over any second. WHAT IS THE DEAL?!?!?!?!? I mean, at 2.75in high, they're not even really high. Plus, I'm sure I looked like a 12yo wobbling around in heels for the first time. When I was younger, my BFFs mom was a model back in the 60s. She always told us to "walk like a wave in the ocean" when wearing any type of heel. Well, yesteday I looked like a whale trying to manuever choppy seas during a hurricane. OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was awful. In fact, during the date night with the hubby last night, I opted for other shoes because I just couldn't deal with the pain I was sure to be in walking from point A to point B, and then back again.

So really, is there a trick?!?!? I mean, I've worn heels before in my younger days and I don't remember them hurting so damn much.

Well, as for the sassy JCP, well they were mail ordered. I got them yesterday and my fat foot wouldn't even squeeze into them! They are SOOOO going back. I think after yesterday, even if they did fit, they would still go back!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, on a side....HARRY POTTER WAS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I laughed and cried!!!!!!! Can't wait for #2!!!

Monday, November 15, 2010

I became one of THEM....

You know, the people who lose a bunch of weight and then go do something drastic with their appearance. Yep, that's me.

BEFORE:



After:


My hair grows like a freakin weed, so I'm not that heartbroken that my long hair is gone. It's been short before, it just takes some getting used to. After a million positive comments from friends, I think I made a good decision to chop it!! Even if I did become one of 'those' people!!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

I've got Scents & pics!




I've been busy! Yep, you're reading the blog of one of the newest consultants of Scentsy, the wickless candle. If you haven't heard of these, oh let me tell you!!! They are only THEE BEST THING EVER!!! haha I've always been a self-proclaimed candle snob for years. Then a few years ago, my MIL gifted one of the Scentsy systems to me and I was hooked!! Safe around kids & animals, and pretty inexpensive, I was HOOKED!! So last week I signed up! GREATNESS!!! What makes it even better, I got my first recruit 3 days after I signed up! My friend, who was a new customer, fell in love with the product and decided she had to sell it too!! I'm telling you, if have never heard of these and you know no one who sells this stuff, you should contact me!! :) OK, PSA done with!


So to the band. Ugghhh. It's still there. EJ has its moments. Somedays he wants to be super tight and others, he's loosey-goosey. I don't get it! I do know that I'm pretty close to the 2TEENS (OMG, that sounds AWESOME!!), so I've got to keep pushing along.

I've had a few NSVs this week. I decided to go to Kohls to try on some clothes and see what sizes I'm near. After trying on some various outfits, I discoved that I can squeeze my ass into a XL IN THE FREAKIN MISSES SECTION!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN I GET A WOOT?!?!?!?! Really, they were shirts and I think they were stretchy so they gave some, but still. I'll take it!! In a dress, I tried on a 1X and about died over that too. Girls, I was wearing a just-right bordering on too tight 26 when I started this journey, so to wear a 14-16 is just insane to me. Before my trek to Kohls, I REALLY wanted one of those Prep Coats from Old Navy when they were on sale. When I went online, they only had misses sizes, no big girls. They did have a XXL so I decided to try it. They also had some 'skinny' jeans for dirt cheap in a 22. I took a chance and bought those two. Let's just say, I'm wearing them both tomorrow to work!!! I was SOOOOOOO excited to try them on and have them BOTH fit right out of the box!!!!!

So that's that. Oh, here is my latest comparison pics. I really need to work on standing in the same spot so I look at least the same height in all of them! haha






I hope you're all well, and I will try to be a better blogger/commentor!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Stretched Pouch???

I think my band and my pouch are toast. :(. I went to see DK yesterday for a fill and in 27 days I had only lost 5lbs. Needless to say I got another fill. She could only do .1cc so now I'm at 6.3cc in a 10cc band. I did fine last night. Had a protein drink and went to bed. Today I had some coffee, a campbells Soup at Hand and some water. When I got home DH was making dinner and he had enough food to feed an army. Taco night. Damn.

I think he forgot about the fill. So, in my weakened state, I decided to have a taco. No problems. Odd. Man, these are really good. I had another. Then baby girl only ate some of hers, so I finished hers. Yes, 2.5 tacos one flipping day after a fill.

Damn

damn


Damn.


Is my pouch too stretched out?? Opinions, anyone?? If it is, can it be unstretched???? One thing I didn't mention is that my fills are done under flouriscope, and the PA didn't say anything about my pouch looking too large.

Any advice??? Words of wisdom?? I feel just awful. Tomorrow I'm only doing liquids if it kills me. Uggghhhh. Help!!!!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Rangers, Candy, and November- Oh my

I've been the worst blogger ever. I don't know what the deal is, but when I get home, the last thing I want to do is play on the PC. Normally I'm too busy to log on in the evenings, but tonight I promised I would upload some pics to FB so my family could see the girls in their costumes.

P1 was a woodland fairy and P2 was a cute little ladybug. They both made out like bandits, and mommy has been sampling their candy. I'm so proud of myself. I've only had 2 pieces!! Prior EJ, that would have been multiplied by 20 by now!!!

Speaking of EJ. He's fine. I go in on Wednesday and I think I will get another fill. I've been eating larger quantities, snacking more, and I know I've only lost 5lbs since I was last there. Uggghhh. I went to a support group meeting last Thursday and when I stood on their scale, I was saddened to see that. 5 stinkin pounds. Uggghhh. See, fill STAT!

Rangers. Rangers. Rangers. Stupid Stupid Stupid. Need I say more?!?!

I've kind of lost my motivation. I just feel blah about the whole thing. I'm making poor choices when it comes to food and I'm not exercising. I guess I've just fallen off the wagon and I need to get back on. Now that my busy crazy month is officially over, maybe I will have time to breathe now and prepare for the next hoorah!!

I hope everyone is well. I've read a few blogs, but I'm sorry for not commenting. Bad T, bad. Know I still love you all anyway!

Oh, on the grandpa front. He got moved to rehab now, so he's out of ICU. He's doing better but I think he's got a long road ahead of him. It breaks my heart because I've never seen him sick or frail. Now I'm seeing pics of him and it's so sad. I know he just needs to get his strength back, but it's still hard knowing he's like that. Anyway, just thought I'd share. Thanks for the prayers.

Before I go, I will leave you with a few pics of my girls!




Sunday, October 24, 2010

Little bit of This...

Thanks for the Z comments from before, friends. I was able to get it a few days earlier than expected and let me tell you DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!!!! OMG, I'm just destined not to take this damn medicine. Thinking about it now makes me throat tighten up and makes me want to hurl. Uggghhhh. I've been doing it though. I mixed it with some SF Koolaid Fruit Punch and that made it taste a hair better, but man alive is that shtuff NASTY. In fact, that reminds me...I forgot to take it last night and I have yet to take it tonight. Ugggg. Pity me. ;P

So what's been going on with me????


Hmmmm, finally had the girl's bday party yesterday. It was a hit. It rained cats, dogs, and chickens, but the turn out was OK. On the invitation, I asked for "Regrets Only" to call. Did I receive any?!?! Only one, so I thought almost everyone (22 kids) were coming. Well, we only had like 12 kids show up. I mean, is it really too hard to pick up the damn phone and say you can't make it?!?! Makes me mad. So, needless to say, I have a ton of party favors and cupcakes leftover. Speaking of cupcakes, I did very well and I didn't even have a nibble. I can give up cake. If it was a brownie, well, that would have been different.

So, did I tell you about the knock-out drag out with the hubby? Ya, it wasn't pretty....but long story short...it ended with a plan of action, tears, and AMAZING SEX!!!!!!! hahahaha TMI- Sorry. But isn't the making up the best part of any fight with your lover?!?!?

EJ is doing well. Still tight, but I'm slowly being able to eat more. Last night, after the party, we went to a local pizza place with the family. It was a buffet and it was the strangest thing to be there and not eat until I felt like I was going to explode. In fact, I kept having this weird thought in my head for some reason. It was "Oh, this is good pizza...we'll have to come back when I can eat more." Then I would think "HELLO?!?!? You will NEVER be able to eat more!!" It was kind of depressing. In fact, it was real depressing. There it was, good food and LOTS of it at my disposal and I couldn't gorge myself. Very odd. I guess I still have some work to do concerning my new normal. I left feeling stuffed at eating a 1/4c of salad, two fettucine noodles, 1 med slice of pizza with only half the crust and the (measly) toppings off of two other pieces of pizza. Oh, and half of a dessert stromboli! YUMMMMMYYYYY. Wow, even that sounds like way too much food for me, compared to what I've been consuming lately.

Maybe I've griped about this before, but since living in the south, around this time of year I'm always preturbed at the people who say they 'don't do Halloween' due to their religious convictions. BUT, they see nothing wrong with doing a 'Fall Festival' and such. I hate to break it to you people, but it's the SAME DAMN THING, minus the door to door candy exchange!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You think by removing witches and goblins, and keeping pumpkins and scarecrows that all the "BAD" stuff is removed. Nope, it's still dog shit, no matter what kind of pretty box you put it in! RIGHT?!?! IDK...that's just something I had to get off my chest! I love Halloween. I also LOVE Harry Potter. SHOCKING, I know, I'm going to Hell!!! bwahahahahah

Hmmmm, what else can I bitch about?!?!

I'm almost done with the Halloween costume. P1 is going to be a woodland Fairy. Did I mention this?! I will post pics when I'm through! I will also post pics of the party. I made the cupcakes and the cupcake stand all by my self! The table looked cool and P1 loved it! That's all that matters!!!

Anyway, I guess I better go to bed. I still have to take my yucky medicine. I know someone gave me a suggestion about using that syrup from Walmart, I would love to know more about a recipe. I saw the flavors, but I don't know what will work best!! Thanks gals!!!!!! Hope everyone has a fantastic week!

OH- before I forget. If you all could spare some thoughts and prayers, I would greatly appreciate it. My 83yo grandpa had a fall a week ago and it was determined that he had a bleed on the brain. He had surgery to relieve it on Friday, but today they found another. He's currently in ICU awaiting a plan from his doctors. It's very hard on our family as we've been EXTREMELY fortunate not to have any serious illnesses thus far. My grandma is having a rough time as he's been her loving husband for 58 years. Thanks everyone.

Dare to Compare

It's that time again! I know, it's WAY overdue, but here is the latest comparison pics. I'm pretty content with the loss so far. It's still not as fast as I would hope, but it's my fault. I don't work out at all. Not lately anyway. Shoulda. Woulda. Coulda. I will get back on the horse, even if it's just walking around the block.



Friday, October 15, 2010

8 more days & an SV

Thank you for all the suggestions about the Z tricks. I did call the pharmacist just now and found it is available as a liquid. Praise Jesus!!! In 8 more days my insurance will pay for it.

My SV happened this morning. I'm finally at 230. One stinkin pound away from being in the 220s! That makes me :)


Things are still rough at home. Since I'm on my phone and at work, I can't go into detail, but I'm hoping in about two weeks things will start to look up.

Hope u all are well!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

REAL Feelings, is this what I'm feeling?

This is a long post. Mostly ramblings and totally scatterbrained, so I apologize in advance and consider yourself warned.

Hey guys. Remember me? I'm the MIA blogger in TX. I would say I'm alive and well, but I'd be lying if I said I was completely well, 'well'. I've got a lot of crap going on in my brain. I don't know whom or what to blame it on. It's like I am completely overwhelmed by my life, but yet I feel like I'm trying to fill this void.

What void you may ask? That's the thing. Who the hell knows. When I started this journey, I did a lot of soul searching and trying to figure out the 'whys' and the 'whats' of how I got obese in the first place. Did I eat to numb my REAL emotions? Did I eat out of boredom? Loneliness? Fear? Anger? All of the above? None of the above? Couldn't tell ya. Now that I'm not using food to cope with unpleasant feelings in my life...let's just say I feel like CRAP. I must preface by saying that my attempt to get back on my happy pills (aka, zoloft) was an epic fail. After my last fill, I'll be damned to get it down without causing EXTREME pain. I've tried breaking them into small peices and that didn't work. I tried crushing them and the taste made me want to throw-up even more. (does anyone know if Z is available via liquid??) Anyway, I bought a new and improved pill crusher and I'm totally open for solutions on how to get around this disgusting, but oh so needed, pill dilemma. Getting an un-fill is out of the question for now, so I need to get creative.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. Meds withstanding, I feel like crap and I've been the worst mom and wife lately. Confession. I've told my 7yo daughter to 'SHUT UP" on more than one occasion in the last few days. That might not seem like a big deal to you, but I feel horrible about it. I'm not one to talk to my kids like that, and as soon as I said it, I instantly felt horrible. But, that didn't stop me from telling her to shut-up not 10min later. I just feel like I'm a ticking time-bomb and anything and everything is going to set off this rage.

Yes, it feels like an inner rage. But yet, the next hour I could be totally fine...but then all it takes is one simple comment from someone that I love to make me totally become unglued again.

I've been especially ticked off at my husband. His birthday was yesterday and I think I lost my temper with him a few times. I was frustrated at his lack of attention to the details of getting the baby ready to go out to dinner, so I snapped at him. He said, at dinner, 'you should have brought a bib for her' and my response was "I'm sorry, I can't *BLEEP* think of every *BLEEP BLEEPEN* thing when it comes to our children *BLEEP* *BLEEP* BLEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPP*! Ya, I was mad. It might not across that way, but I was livid...several times this weekend and prior to. I've just been so pissed off. Nothing is making me happy. Even doing stuff that I love isn't making me feel better. Being around the people that I love doesn't do it either. I just feel numb and pissed off.

Is this what I really feel like when A) I'm not allowed to self-medicate with food, and B) I'm off my Z's??? I never thought food made me feel better, emotionally. I ate because I liked the taste of XYZ, not because of how it made me feel. Or did I?!?!? Now that I'm physically unable to gorge myself, is this what I have to look forward to on a daily basis? It sucks. Badly.

I never in my life thought that my happiness revolved around what I ate in a 24hr period. It's really sad. Now I'm eating just to reach my calorie quota and I guess it's left a huge void in me.

Even the weight loss doesn't make me happy. I read something on someones blog about 'vanity sizing' and I think that is effecting my mood as well. 26s still fit, yet I was able to get into a size 20 the other day. Explain that. Also, how is it that someone can lose 30 flippin pounds, yet still wear the same size clothes as before?? My MIL had to make matters worse when she reminded me 'doesn't 10lbs equal 1 dress size?!'. Not for me, apparently. It's looking like mine is a 50lb loss. Maybe then I will be in the market for smaller clothes. Dare to dream. It makes me mad because I didn't THINK I was squeezed into my 24s & 26s. Hell, maybe I was and my perception was totally effed up. YA THINK!?!?!

I'm having this light bulb moment right now. My reality, or what I thought was my reality, was just a farce. Everything I knew and believed in, didn't really exist. Damn, this is making my head hurt.

Which reminds me. I'm writing this ala Vicodin. I've had a killer headache since Noon today. We were out of town all day and have only been home for about 2hrs. I took some medicine (V is what I had on hand AND in a liquid) and now the headache is gone, but I'm feeling pretty loopy. WHICH might explain this post. HA!

See, I told you this would be all over the place.

I just have so much going on. Maybe it's stress. We finished up two birthday's this weekend, and now we only have my daughter's. I'm finally done with her shopping, the invites are ALMOST completely done, and now I just have Halloween to get through. I, like the idiot that I am, decided to make P1's costume this year. I got quite a bit done today, but I still have a lot more. Here I go again, trying to fill some void by spreading myself entirely too thin. Oh, did I also mention that I'm going to sign up to sell Scentsy?! (never heard of it?! Ask away and I will tell you ALL about it!! It's the best thing since sliced bread. Mmmmm, bread. I digress....). Have I also mentioned that I also sell Close to My Heart (scrapbook supplies) AND that I work full-time outside the home?! Needless to say, I'm busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest. :/

Well, I guess I should go to bed. Staying up late won't help anyone. Lord knows my state of mind won't benefit from it.

If you made it this far, I really thank you. I've had a lot on my mind and it feels good to purge some of this internal crap. I think I need to get back to blogging. If anything, just to free up some memory in this brain of mine. *hugs*

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Happy October with a Pic!

I know I'm three days (or four days!?!) late, but humor me!

How's it going, everyone??

I'm still here. Busy as always. The birthdays are still consuming my attention right now. I haven't been on my laptop in weeks. I had strep last week and my oldest had some viral throat infection, my DH has some raging stomach bug that kept him on the throne for four days. EEK!!!!!!!!!! So far, my youngest has been free of any ailments (knock on wood).

I'm FINALLY in the 230s officially, and I'm SOOOO close to the 20s I could reach out and slap it!!!!! I thought I needed an unfil for a week, but on Thursday it suddenly got a little looser. I'm still having trouble getting all my water down because I get full, and then it does that weird drain unclogging gurgle thingy. I think it's the same thing Amy was talking about on her blog a few posts ago. I go see DK on Wednesday and I'm hoping they will leave it alone. I think I might be currently at my sweet spot. Well, the SS for the time being.

Well, I guess I should get going. I'm in the midst of laundry and I hear baby girl in there making noises. It's only a matter of time before her sweet baby jabber turns into full blown WAILS of grumpiness!!!


Here is a pic that was taken about 10 days after I was banded.


Here is a pic, a self portrait if you will, that I took a few days ago. I look like hell, but hell that is almost 30lbs lighter than a few months ago!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Hey PARTY PEOPLE!!!!!!!

BOOBies
It sounds like you all are having an amazing time in Chicago!! I joined the bandwagon kind of late in the game to just fly all the way to IL and make my presence known. Most of you would be like "WHO ARE YOU?!?!?" Maybe next year EVERYONE will know ME!!!!!! bwahahahaha


Ramblings

So, what's been going on with me?! Oh nothing AND everything.

The band, I mean Edward Josh, EJ for short (I couldn't decide!), is really showing me what he's made of. I went in for a fill on Wednesday and besides bleeding like a stuck pig all over my pants (grrr), I'm now at a tight 6.2cc in a 10cc band. WHOAH RESTRICTION!!!!!!!!! I did my liquids like I was supposed to until Friday when I got the bright idea that going out to dinner would be a good thing. Needless to say, my 16mo old ate more of my meal than I did. It was challenging, but I think I ate enough calories that day.

This morning, I got stuck. The pisser?? It wasn't on damn food.

Backstory- I've been a real bitch lately. I mean like, HORRIBLE. I mean like scream at my family, cry for no reason, become super pissed off at EVERYTHING with a pulse type of bitch. My reasoning...I self-weaned off my happy pills. Why?!?!? Oh it's the same song and dance. I *thought* I didn't need them anymore. WRONG. I'm finding out I need them more than ever now. This band game is such an emotional rollercoaster that being the slightest off kilter hormone wise is a BAD, VERY BAD, idea. What's made this week even more miserable?? AF is starting to deboard the plane and will be arriving very soon. BITCH.

So, back to what I was saying. Stuck. Yesterday, my DH went to pick up my rx scripts and this morning I decided to start taking them. It was around 10am and I hadn't eaten anything. I was getting ready to head to the store with P1, so I took my meds with a sip of water. Immediately I started having indigestion. Then it became downright painful. Be Calm, Be Calm...that's all I could think of to do. I found DH's coffee and was thinking the warmth of it would help dissolve the bastards lodged in my pouch. Nope, didn't really help. I was already out the door at this point, so I pointed my car in the direction of the closest StrBcks and get a coffee. The first gulp was whip cream and OMG did it add to the pain. I then started the sliming and the pre-hurl wave of nausea came over me. I got off the freeway and pulled off to the side of the road. I wasn't about to barf all over myself in my car...again (this one time, in college.... ;)) Once I pulled over, I really started drinking the coffee and doing all kinds of sidebends, arm reaches, etc etc to work the devil candy through. FINALLY, I noticed relief was around the corner. I started back up the car and continued on my way. Whew...what a close call. That was THEE WORST episode to date.

I'm scared for tomorrow. I'm thinking I might take the pills at night, when EJ seems a bit looser, and I will certainly break them smaller than they already are, and surely take them one little piece at a time.


My Other Half

On another note...my DH has been DRIVING ME NUTSO!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

For the most part, we have a pretty good marriage. We've been married for over 8yrs and seem to compliment each other nicely. We've had our share of difficult times, but we've always worked hard to stay in love. He's a great father, and a great hubby most of the time. Where he lacks in some areas, he goes beyond in others. I'm sure I'm the same way. I know I'm not perfect. FAR from it, but here lately something about him is just pissing me off. It could be my lack of proper drugs, as aforementioned...but a part of it could be his lack of enthusisasm for my weight loss. He NEVER tells me that I'm getting smaller, or make the slightest compliment towards me...EVER. If he does say something, most of the time I have to solicit a compliment. Then in my eyes, it doesn't mean much because I had to fish it out of him. Know what I mean?! Plus, when I talk to him about ANYTHING, it's always met with a 'glass is half empty, or someone pooped in my glass' response. I'm getting pretty fed up with living with a debbie downer. Don't EVEN get me started on our sex life. That's an oxy-moron right there. That LIFE ended a while ago. Last night, in a fit of controlled rage....I finally blurted out that if he doesn't start having sex with me, I WILL be having sex with someone else. *SHOCKER*. I know, that was mean *see, told ya I was being bitchy*, and of course I don't have anyone lined up...but it just makes me SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO mad. I'm ALWAYS the instigator when it comes to frisky time. If I don't blantantly give him the green light, then it's like freakin' Death Valley here waiting for a drop of rain. NOTHING, ZERO, ZILCH, NADA. On a side note, our marriage has had that 'issue' from the beginning. My libido has always been way higher than his....it's frustrated me for some time on and off. After a new baby, it totally evens out...but now since our baby is almost 17mo..MAMA NEEDS SOME ACTION.

Most intelligent people would assume he's just not into me...and I've given him plenty of opportunities to tell me just that...but he assures me it's not. He thinks I'm great, and getting better (when I twist his arm!!!). I know he loves me. I'm pretty damn positive he's not getting it elsewhere, so I don't know what the problem is.

Uggghhhhhh. Well, I suggested he make a call to the MD and see about having his hormone levels checked out. Could be he's lacking testosterone and that could be the problem. Hell, SOMETHING. I love my husband, very much, and I'm praying that with the rebirth of my meds (if I can get the damn things down) and maybe with some medical intervention on his part, we can sync this love thang back up!!!!!!!!!

PROGRESS, NO?!

That's all for the night. OH- Just kidding!!!!!!!!!! PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Since it's starting to cool off around here, I decided to nix the capris and start with jeans!



Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Seriously, V? SERIOUSLY????

Missing blogger alert. Where are you, Miss V???????????????

I'm in the 30s

Well, that's missing two little numbers. The 230s that is. I haven't been down there since I was preggo with DD#1 8 yrs ago. WOWZA. Yippy.

Hope you all are doing well. I've been a blogger slacker, as usual. Since school has started, it's been so busy at my house in the evenings. Dinner, homework, bathtime, playtime,chores, bedtime etc.... Heaven forbid if I have anything important to do. For instance, I'm going away this weekend. Another scrapbook retreat!! I'm SOOOO excited to have some T-Time, but have I packed yet???? Nope. I was going to do it this weekend. Too busy. Then I was going to do it last night. Nope. I woke up yesterday morning with a sore throat, so I figured going to bed early would do me some good. It did, I feel better, but now I've lost another night.

Why aren't I doing it now?? Good questions. It's almost 10pm and I'm not willing to destroy my bedroom (ie, cover my bed with a crapload of scrappin stuff) just to do maybe an hour of packing before I need to put it all away again so we can go to bed. Aint gonna happen.

So that leaves me tomorrow and Thursday. I'm supposed to leave on Friday morning, but it's looking like Friday afternoon. It's OK. I have some projects in mind so that makes me feel more organized.

CRAFTY CHICKA



I don't think I've mentioned it before, but I have a small semi-business that I do. Besides being a consultant for Close to My Heart, AND having a full-time job, AND raising two kiddos, I also run a boutique specializing in flower clips/headbands/barrettes for babies, handmade gifts for mom & baby, and custom invitations and announcements. I have a FB fan page. Send me an email if you'd like to become a fan! You must be following my blog though! ;) So, those are some projects I have to work on when I'm at my retreat!

DEAD HORSE ALERT



So- I've got a question for my fellow bandsters. When did you really start to notice that you were getting smaller? Also, when did you finally get your 'head into the game'. I know I'm losing, but in my mind, it's not fast enough. Or, it's not showing enough to me, or anyone. I can tell in my pics, but what gets me about that is my clothes; they still freakin fit. I wasn't squeezed into them before either, at least I didn't think I was. I just feel like I'm in this perpetual state of self-sabitage (sp?!).

For instance, I'm convinced that 8lbs loss in two weeks was a miracle from God and it will NEVER happen again. I'm convinced the band is just not working and this weight is going to stay around forever. I feel like I'm going to need to lose 50 effin pounds before anyone will notice on their own. Don't even get me started about losing inches. I haven't checked them recently because the last time I did there was no change. If anything, a few of my body parts got larger. WTF!?!? Oh, and when will my freakin DH notice on HIS OWN without me having to point out that my pants have surprisingly gotten longer on me. MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Uggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


Yep, I have issues.

I know the horse has been dead for a while, but I'm really disappointed in myself and I only have myself to blame. Uuughhhhhhhhhhhh.

That's it for this evening. I'm going to have some cheese with my whine..... ;)

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Josh or Edward?

It's time my band got a name.

I decided to make my band a male. I reserve the right to change my mind later, but for now he's a he!

Now, onto the names!

Josh..

My Josh Groban. Have I mentioned how much I love this man??? Ya, he's kind of a skinny, peeblo and SO not the type of guy I would normally date, but something about this man makes my heart go pitter-patter!! His voice, his musicality, his smartass wit...it's just awesome!!! I love him so much, my oldest male cat is named Groban and in P2's room, there is a quote from one of his songs in vinyl on the wall. Yes, I love him and in a few months his new album is coming out & he just previewed a new single today too!! WOOT! Woot! (it's a day of WOOTS.)

Edward.

As in Edward Cullen. No, not Rob Pattinson (although I would take him too!), but the fictional Edward from the mind of Stephenie Meyer. The written word Edward.
A few examples-

"If I had found you, there isn’t a doubt in my mind how I would have proceeded. I was that boy, who would have — as soon as I discovered that you were what I was looking for — gotten down on one knee and endeavored to secure your hand. I would have wanted you for eternity, even when the word didn’t have quite the same connotations."

Or

"But if you ever bring her back damaged again — and I don’t care whose fault it is; I don’t care if she merely trips, or if a meteor falls out of the sky and hits her in the head — if you return her to me in less than the perfect condition that I left her in, you will be running with three legs. Do you understand that, mongrel?"


The Edward who says the right things at the right time, who would do anything to protect the love of his life, the one who is romantic, sweet, poetic, protective, rich, handsome, etc etc. He is just awesome.

So there you have it. I'm leaning more towards Edward, since he's timeless. (ha! Timeless. Get it?!?! Ya, obsessed much!)

I'm not dead, but can I get a WOOT?!?!

WOW- Has it really been almost a week since I posted last? That sounds about right. This time of year it starts to get crazy for me and my family. In the next 7 weeks, we have 8 birthdays in our family! 2 of those 8 are my DH and P1. That makes for a busy (& broke) me.

So as I left you, I was ticked about the lack of graciousness I was being shown from certain individuals. I've since talked to one of them and told them how I felt. I was assured my good deed wasn't in vain, which made me less bitter. I'm still slightly peeved that it was ever an issue, but it is what it is.

Now, for what's been going on with me and the band. He's ROCKING (yes, he's a HE. More on that in another post!). Today was my two week fill appt and I am FREAKIN pleased to announce.....




I





EFFIN'





LOST







8lbs





in







2






weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


CAN I GET A WOOT????????????????????????????????????????????


I was hoping for a 3.5lb loss, so I was completely floored when she said I've lost 8lbs in two weeks!!!!! HOW FREAKIN AWESOME IS THAT?!?!? I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!! So now I'm stoked to officially know that 1) my scale is 4lbs heavier than DKs, 2) this band IS actually doing something, and 3) I lost 8lbs in two weeks!!!!!!!!!!

Needless to say, they were happy with my progress so I didn't get a fill. We (yes, WE) agreed to leave well enough alone and see what happens when I go back in two weeks.

So that's that! I hope you all are well and now I'm off to catch up on your blogs!!!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Thousand Word Thursday

Amy over at Babbles of a Bandster has a new Thursday idea for us...

Here it is in her words:

I'll post a subject on Wednesday, of which you should post a photo that relates on Thursday. Label your post "Thousand Word Thursday" or something to that effect. The photo can be new, old, or somewhere in between. And of course, you are welcome to use actual words to describe your photo! It's that simple!



Without further adieu, our first Thousand Word Thursday subject is:


Let's celebrate our own beauty and how wonderful we all look with a photo of your favorite feature.


Here is mine.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

They are what matter most

Thank You, Sisterhood (Amy!)

I received my package today, my FIRST package, from the Sisterhood. O. M. G. was I totally blown away by the generosity of others!!! I can't thank you enough, Amy, for sending me all those fabulous clothes!!!!!!!!!!! I thought I would be getting a few pairs of pants, and a few shirts...but I wasn't expecting 20 freaking pounds of clothes!!!!! I know that must have cost a lot to ship, but I sincerely thank you, and the rest of mah-sistas for their donations!!!! I will certainly be passing them on when they have outgrown me. Thank you again, Amy!! YOU ROCK!!!!

Speaking of the generosity of others. I've been having an issue today, and what better place to rant then here.

I like to think I'm generous and have a big heart. I'm not going to toot my own horn, but I like helping people out and I really hope that it's perceived as genuine when I express my gratitude for when someone does something nice for me. Does that make sense? With that said, I've been upset these last few weeks because of the lack of gratitude some friends/relatives have expressed towards something I did for them. No, I don't expect a grand gesture, trophy, or the like. But is a simple phone call too much to freaking ask???? I mean, if someone sends me something out of the blue, you can bet your ass I'm going to be picking up the phone in at least the same friggen week to say "THANK YOU".

What is wrong with some people????

I've since removed it, but do you all remember when I posted something about doing a random act of kindness for a stranger a long time ago?? Well, that whole thing came to fruition and ended up being a great success that yielded the recipient something wonderful. Did I get a note of thanks? A phone call telling me how grateful they were? Nope. Yes, I think I spoke with them, but it took me calling. How effed up is that? You would have thought I would learn.

When will I learn?

I don't do nice things for people with the hope of praise and acknowledgment, but really...if someone DOES do something nice for you...isn't it f*cking common courtesy to extend a freakin' THANK YOU???

My brother: I mailed him a package for his kids. Granted, I'm not the best aunt for remembering birthdays (they are out of state. No excuse, just saying), but I do send things when I can. Well, it wasn't anything major. Some swim trunks for the boys and an outfit for my neice. Do I get a call telling me thanks? NOPE. A text? Nope? Anything?? Nope. I talked to my mom who mentioned that my bro told her he got a package from me. That was it. WTF?!?! Now, I kind of expect it from my family....sad, but true. But it's friends, or so-called friends, that get my goat. By their lack of graciousness, it's almost as if there is a sense of entitlement on their part. Does that make sense?

Maybe I'm just PMSing (yes, AF is visiting, the bee-otch) so I'm extra emotional....but I'm just tired of being 'nice' and feeling like I'm being taken advantage of.

Can you really feel taken advantage of when they aren't soliciting the gestures? I don't know, but I do.

I don't know why, but it's coming to my attention that I do go out of my way to make people happy and I wonder if, in some twisted way, it has to do with my weight and need for acceptance??? That's hard to agree with because anyone who really knows me will know I don't need to be accepted by anyone. I am what I am, and if you don't like it you can kiss my ass. THAT is my attitude. So where does this complex come into play where I go out of my way (in time, energy, money, etc...) to do something nice for someone?? My DH always tells me I do too much for people, but I think nothing of it. I do it because it makes me happy. Period. But then why do I get so upset when they don't seem grateful???

It's rude. Very rude.

The moral of my rant? If someone does something, ANYTHING, nice for you. Call them, write them a note, SOMETHING, ANYTHING to let them know you appreciate them.

That's all I want.

I'll get off my soapbox now.

PS- The pain from eating is lessening, the scale seems to be SLOWLY moving in the right direction and I'm finally starting to notice my clothes fitting better. Yae for small favors.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Proof is in the Pictures

OK, I will officially shut the eff up now. The proof is in the pictures. The scale may be on crack, but the pictures don't lie...

TA-DA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



It's amazing what a week at the gym can do!! WOWZA! To bad I've only been once this week. :/ I know, I know.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Restriction=PAIN????

Help me out, veteran bandsters. I did a day of liquids and last night we went out to dinner. Fajitas and I could barely choke down one steak fajita. I didn't vomit, or feel like I had to.... But it hurt like the devil going down. This pain in the middle of my shoulder blades, WTF is that???? I'm hungry, but it hurts too bad to eat! I know I have to eat something, but I can't live on protein drinks forever!!! Help!!! Will it loosen up, or is this what real restriction is and I should just deal with it?

My PA who did the fill said my day should consist of a cup of coffee, two small meals and maybe a high protein snack. If it's going to continue like this, looks like coffee is going to be my best friend!

Now, don't get me wrong....it's great that I can't eat normal quantities anymore, but should it be this painful???

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Shitpile

After reading a heartbreaking story over at Erika's blog, I was inspired to start my own shitpile of hurtful memories that need to leave my brain & heart and never have power over me again.

To you- Michael Salisbury. You can KISS MY ASS.

I was in 5th grade and I had just started a new school due to my dad's job transfer. It was after Christmas Break (oh, excuse me...Winter Break. Nah, it was Christmas Break!) and I was walking to my classroom when this 6th grade boy was coming towards me in the hallway. I think I had been at the school a week. Thank GOD we were alone, but as we passed by each other he looked right at me and said "You're so fat and ugly it's pathetic." I was completely shocked and caught off guard that I just couldn't believe I heard him correctly. I tried to contain my tears for the rest of the day, but I couldn't. When anyone asked what was wrong, I made up something.

That happened 25 years ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday.

So, as I was saying. Michael Salisbury, you have been added to the shitpile.

Whiplash

My mood swings regarding this band is giving me whiplash. I apologize for the fact that one post seems like normal T, and the other is super pissed off T.

Well, this post is going to be another ticked off post, so at least I'm staying consistent.

I went to see DK today for another fill. My second. I stood on the scale expecting to see some kind of loss. hahahaha 248.4 I gained .4 in 2 weeks. Depressing, isn't it? Here I am busting my hump at the gym and I gain. Grrrrrrrrrrr

So once I got over that initial shock of the sucky scale, I got my second fill. He found the port, filled the port, and then had me stand, holding the needle IN my port, by the fluoro machine. I took a drink of the barium yuck, and there is sat in my baby pouch. Didn't even drain to the bottom. It just sat there. So, he let out a little until there was a small stream, took out the needle and that was it. I received 1.2cc so now I'm at 5.6cc in a 10cc band. I feel it. Restriction. (THANK YOU GAWD). I got in my car once I left the office and I took two drinks of water and felt it NOT going down. It eventually did, but it took a lot longer than I expected it to. Two days of liquids for me, that's for sure. In another two weeks, I get to do it again!

Anyway, so that's that. Oh, I didn't go to the gym tonight. Too pooped. I took the baby and walked around the hood. I need to go to bed earlier tonight so I can go tomorrow.

My DD started back to school this week. She's in second grade and seems less than thrilled for its return. She didn't get the teacher she wanted, and there is the devil's spawn in her class again this year. Can you imagine having a first grade who has been suspended several times for behavior issues?? I can't even fathom that, but that's the kid who is in her class again this year. The first time this kid throws a chair, or kicks the teacher, I'm requesting a room change. We put up with far too much crap last year to do it again. Don't piss off Mama Bear.

Anyway, thanks again for all the comments! Keep them coming (HINT HINT!!). I also apologize for being a crappy commenter too. I read them, but you all are so popular that if you have 20+ comments, anything I would have said has already been said at least 15 times!

Well, that concludes what's going on with me this Wednesday. I hope this finds you well and skinny. ;)

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

@&$);;(!!&@&,;;

That sums up my mood these last few days. Insert your favorite expletives up there.

I'm failing at this. Another failed attempt at weightloss. It's been almost 2 months and I haven't lost squat.

I have no one to blame but myself. I don't exercise, then eat like crap. I do exercise, and still eat like crap. I haven't changed anything. I still eat fastfood. Then I feel guilty, then remorseful, then pissed off, then I say Eff it and do it all over again.

What is my problem?!?! Afraid of success?? Determined to stay fat???

Damn why does this have to be so hard?? Why do I always compare myself to others?? Meaning, those others who were banded at the same time and have lost 30lbs or more!!!! Why am I stuck at virtually Effin ZERO??????

Oh right. Fast food crap. Not moving daily. Not watching my portions. Eating easily 8oz of steak, a baked potato with sour cream and an artichoke with margarine (last nights dinner) and not even think twice. The other night (fri) I did a 2hr workout. 55min at a dance class called Hustle (that kicked my ass) followed by a mile walk on the treadmill and then some weight machines. Sounds great, until I went to Chipotle on Sunday and ate the entire burrito bowl (with a tortilla ) in two sittings! I shouldn't be able to eat that, right?!?!?

I go in tomorrow for another fill and I hope he clamps the damn thing. Short of wiring my damn mouth shut, something else drastic needs to happen.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Where is T and what is up with this chick?!?!

I've been doing some type of PE all this week!!! Shocking I know!!!!
Monday, I walked for 30min around the 'hood. Tuesday, I took that Zumba ( or zoom-butt as my DH now refers to it). Wednesday, I did the Elli at home, and then last night I went to the gym & worked out for 1.5hrs on various machines! The kicker?? I'm going again tonight!!! Somebody STOP me!!!!! lol. I'm actually liking the free time, the de-stress time, the girl time, and the me-time I'm getting from this!

For someone who would rather walk on hot coals naked while being chased by a pack of wild dogs than exercise, I'm surprised by my new found....uhem.... Dare I say hobby?!?! Trust me, no one could be more surprised then I am about this revelation. It seriously is a major breakthrough for me. After 4 short days, I just feel better. Ya, I'm sore, but I feel less jiggley and flabby. The scale hasn't budged, but I'm ok with it because I know I'm moving...and really that's all I can do!!!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Zumba

Took my first class on Tuesday night. Sooooo much fun. Realized just how out of shape I am though. Of course I knew I was, but that just reaffirmed it. Uggghhhhh. It was nice to see all kinds of people in there and know everyone wasn't looking at me thinking bad things. I mean, I'm there, and isn't the gym where us fatties are supposed to be?!?!? That's what I thought!!! So I walked in, didn't pay anymind to the iddy bitty boobie barbies and shook what mama gave me!!! Did I look like an uncoordinated hot mess?!? Probably. But you know what, I'd say only 5% of the people in that class looked like they knew what they were doing! So if you're thinking about going to a Zumba class, just do it!!! Remember, when in doubt... Keep shaking your ass and no one will know the difference!!! :)

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Holding Pattern

Hey guys, I'm still around.

Been dealing with some sick kiddos. P2 has Roseola and P1 had a weird rash on her, that we now know was Roseola as well. Since I'm a good mom, I've kept both of them home. Hopefully P2 will be ready to go back tomorrow. She's been a nightmare these past few days. It doesn't help that she's cutting four eye-teeth (bi-cuspids?!) all at the same time. That makes for a cranky baby and a worn out mama.

Anyway...

I'm adjusting to life with the fill. The REAL fill (grrrr). I have felt pain a few times and I don't think it's really WHAT I'm eating, but rather how much and how fast I'm eating it. It always seems to be right at the beginning of the meal when I get a semi-stuck feeling. I'm sure the culprit is the Hyena-Syndrome (scarfing down food too fast before the 'hyenas' get it!). When I get that feeling, I just sit there for a minute until it passes then I'm OK to continue.

The home scale is still hovering around 250-249. Which means, no loss, still. This is beyond frustrating. Hopefully this will change soon.

Now.....brace yourselves people.

Ready????


I






AM







JOINING







A









GYM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!! ME?????????????? GYM????????????? Those two words have never co-existed in the same sentence. EVER. In my 30-something years, I've never belonged to a gym (hmmmm, maybe that's the reason I'm fat?!?) So after talking to my good friend, R, on Saturday, she convinced me to just DO IT!! She goes just about everyday and I think she is the work-out buddy I've been looking for!!!!

Well, wish me luck. I might even partake in the Go-Chicka-Go challenge on Drazil's site. :)

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Fill 'er Up

I'm filled! I'm filled.

Want to know a secret?!

I was already filled.

Did I know this???


Hell to the NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

It would have been nice to know I already had 2cc in my band. I might have been more careful from the get-go. Oh well. :/

So now I'm at 4.4cc and I'm freakin' STARVING. DK wants me to do liquids for 2 days and one day of mushies. Tomorrow is the second day, and I'm having flashbacks to Pre-Op hell week. No kitty is safe. bwahahahahahaha

My fill was easy. It was a WEIRD sensation. Let me backtrack. At first, he couldn't find my port. After having me do a leg lift, he said "I think I found it". I'm thinking "you THINK?!?!". Then suddenly I feel what can only be described as a "POP". It must have been the needle penetrating the port, but it was VERY odd. Since I was so in-tune with what was going on, I felt this weird sensation when he was putting the saline back in the band. It could be all in my head, but I'm pretty sure I could feel it tightening. Again, odd.

After that was done, I had to stand in front of the fluorscope (sp?) and drink the contrast yuck. It was pretty cool to see my innards working in real time! I saw the barium come down the esophugus, get hung up at the band, and then form a stream down into the stomach. Pretty cool. He said my band looked beautiful and I should start seeing results now. OH ya. I lost ONE freakin pound since my last visit. Pathetic. He's not concerned, YET. He told me to keep my calories at 1400 and my protein at 80g. He thinks my metabolism has crashed and I need to do those things, plus do vigourous exercise, in order for it to jump start again. Ya, OK.

One thing I know, is that I'm HUNGRY. HUNGRY. HUNGRY.

I do go back in two weeks for another fill. TWO WEEKS!!!!! Insane. But I'm SOOOO ready to watch these pounds fly off me. So much in fact that I did a little retail therapy tonight.

I had a coupon to LB for a free pair of pantys. Remember, who am I to pass up anything FREE?!?! So I walk in and informed by the lovely sales lady that their clearance racks are an additional 50% OFF. <-----those right there are some of the sweetest words in the english language. Clearance. Additional. 50%. OFF!!! CHA-CHING!!! In my cloudy haze, I start grabbing stuff like it's the last time I'll be shopping in my life. (ya, I was like the only one in there too.) I found some $49 capris for $9.99!! (yes, Amy W, I know, capris are not for short girls...but humor me, they were an additional 50% off!!!!!!). But what size do I buy them in??? I couldn't decide at first, but then I got to thinking about some of the cutest clothes in my closet currently and the sizes they are. 14!!! So that's what I decided to buy. I found two pairs of capris and one pair of business slacks. I can't wait until those bad boys will fit my arse!! CAN'T WAIT I TELL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Tomorrow Fill Day #1

Restriction restriction. What's your definition of that silly word?

I think most people have their own opinion of what it means. Tomorrow I will probably have my own. Well, maybe not tomorrow, hopefully in a week when the band starts working and the scale starts moving. Backwards!

I feel like I've been circling the runway for weeks now and I've finally been given the clearance to land. Good thing, this plane was almost out of fuel. This time in bandster he'll has been less than fabulous and I'm ready for the change. I'm ready to start seeing results and get this show on the road.

A while back I think I mentioned how I heard my dr was pretty aggressive on fills. I was leary of that but now I'm welcoming it!!! Bring it on, DK!!! BRING. IT. ON!!!!!!

Wish me luck!!!! Oh, at last I'll finally find my port! It's still MIA.

Digital food scale??

Great tool?? Or waste of money??? Your thoughts??

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Thank you

Thanks for the encouraging words, everyone.

To answer some of the questions that have been recently asked...

Yes, I get full, but it's not until I've eaten much more than I think I should probably consume at a sitting. I'm guilty of not measuring out my food. I know, I really need to start. Eyeballing is what got me into this. Last night for dinner I had 2pc of fried flounder (thin pieces), about 6 pcs of fried zucchini with ranch dressing. A small baked potato with cheese & margarine. Fried foods and large portions. DUH.

Yes, I've taken my measurements at the beginning of the liquid diet. Last weekend, I went to LB to have a bra fitting and according to her, my bust size has increased by an inch. SWEET. How's that for salt in the wounds??

Nope, still haven't been able to find my port. I think it's probably a blessing because I'm sure I would constantly be messing with it if I knew. I'll find out soon enough on Wednesday.

Amy- Thanks for pointing out the areas in your blog archives where I sound like you. That makes me feel better and what I need to get through these rough spots.

Thanks other Amy- My sister from another mister. *hugs* hon!!

I'm still hanging in there. Confided yesterday in my DH about what I've been feeling lately. His response "The internet is full of crap, don't believe everything you read." My husband, he's a genius, no?!?! grrrrrr

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Halloween in August?!

Not much going on in these parts. Oh, Satan called and he said he's going back to Hell where it's cooler. :/

I'm in TX, and it's hot. DAMN HOT. We've been dealing with over 100^ heat EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. What makes it worse, compared to home, is that it doesn't cool off at night here. This evening, after coming home from some retail therapy with the fam, at 8:30pm, it was still 97^. Ugghhh I'm so ready for fall.

Speaking of fall, when I was at one of my fave craft stores today, they had their Halloween merch out already. After the initial shock of seeing it so soon, I got a little excited. I absolutely LOVE me some Halloween. As a kid, 10-31 was a big deal and now as a parent, I get to experience it all over again through the eyes of my kiddos. My mom used to sew and she made so many of my costumes when I was young. Since I don't sew, I do what every cool mom does that wants her child to have unique costumes....I hire someone to make them!!

I'm fortunate enough to know a brilliant seamstress and the wheels are already turning as to what I'm going to suggest to my big girl this year!! haha Last year was P2's first Halloween and I wanted their costumes to coordinate. After months of brainstorming (even while I was still pregnant!), I came up with a perfect combo:




Alice in Wonderland and the Queen of Hearts, for those that can't tell. It was a hit and we got so many compliments on it!! This year I'm thinking I might not coordinate costumes this year, but I'm not going to say just yet!! Since I have a seamstress, I would love to coordinate all four of us, but maybe I will wait until next year when I'm hopefully (Read: DAMN I BETTER BE) a lot smaller.

Hmmm, what else. Today we had a birthday party to go to. I was dreading it, but it turned out to be a nice, easy-going party. It was a 6yo's Princess Tea Party theme & it was really cute. I got to decorate a teacup and saucer with markers! Ya, I got in touch with my inner DaVinci. LOL It was for P1 to do, but she lost interest and commissioned my help. I obliged. heehee

Well, this concludes my babbling for the night. It's Midnight and I need to get some sleep. Today I did ZERO around my house in the way of chores and I really need to clean it tomorrow or the health dept might stop by to pay a visit. Eeek. Night Night my peeps! Hope you're having a fabulous weekend!!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Sometimes you just need to cry

That's how I've been feeling these last few days (ok, if we're being honest, a lot longer than the last few days.)

I'm so discouraged. Confused. Angry at myself. Sorry for myself. I feel so lost in this LB journey and I can't find my big girl panties so I'm wearing a pull-up. WAHHHHHH. (side note, just as I'm writing this in a quiet house, what do I hear coming from my backyard? A low rumbling "Moo-ooooooooooo". Yes, a cow. Ironic or just downright mean?! No, I don't live on a farm...just have a pasture behind our house.)

Back to what I was saying before I was so rudely Moo-ed at. Damn cow.

Yesterday I was Googling LB fills for info and I stumbled across a doctor's site. His site is full of ads, so I was a little hesitant of the validity at first, but the more I read it, the more I was liking what I was reading. I was learning new things about the LB and the site did well at explaining everything in laymans terms and pretty good use of analogies. All was well yesterday, and I even sent the site to a few of my friends.

Then today I started reading more of it and that's when I had a mini-meltdown at work. One sentence that keeps playing over and over in my mind is "The LB will not restrict your food intake. That is up to YOU." Say what?!? I thought that was the entire point of the LB. To make it physically impossible to consume large quantities of food in one sitting. RIGHT? I mean, R.I.G.H.T.????????? The more I read, I could feel the tears welling up. "If a patient comes into my office saying they can still eat a lot so they need another fill,... they have been misinformed." HUH????

So I'm thinking that he does have some valid points, but some of it goes against everything I THOUGHT I knew about the LB and how it works. He said that if you're hungry within two hours after a meal, you should get a fill. If you can go 3-4hrs, you're probably OK. Now that, I can understand.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I just don't know how I'm going to lose all this weight. It's so frustrating and overwhelming. Now with this new found 'knowledge', now I'm really questioning how this dumb thing is going to help me lose weight. If I'll still be able to eat anything and everything, than what's the fricken point???? That is what I don't understand. If I had amazing willpower, portion control wisdom, and ate healthy then I wouldn't need the damn thing. Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (insert temper tantrum here).

I hate to be debbie-downer, but I just know I'm going to be the one fat ass that stays fat despite having a LB. Can you tell I'm pissed?!?! Here I am waiting for this fill that, in my twisted reality, is going to be just the thing I need to start dropping the weight, and now I'm not so sure.

Normally, I'm very confident and stubborn in my opinions and path that I choose for myself. To say I'm a control freak would be like calling the pope Catholic. DUH!! I like running the show when it comes to myself, and now I'm seriously just a little girl lost. Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Oh, and surprise surprise surprise. The scale continues to be a bitch. I can't really blame her. I'm eating willy-nilly and falling into the devil food tricks again. I hate this. Really really hate this.

On a happy note. 40 followers. YAE!

I hope you're still with me after reading this drag of a post.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Physical Changes

I've been thinking a lot about how I will look when I'm down a significant amount of weight. For someone who has been fat her entire life, it's not like I have 'skinny' pics to look back on. I just have variant degrees of less fat, fatter, and fattest. :/

I know it's seriously premature, but I'm thinking about going under the knife, again, when I've reached my goal weight. Keep in mind, this isn't anything new for me. There are some things about myself I've wanted to alter for a long time.

No, not the unusual plastic surgery fellow bandsters might covet like a tummy tuck or a boob job.

Mine consist of getting a nose job and my teeth fixed.

I have a decent profile, no bumps or humps on my nose, but it's pretty wide and I've always disliked it. Now, I don't want to do a Jennifer Grey when after surgery no one knows who I am, I just want it thinner.

As for my teeth. Let me brag for a second. I have perfect, healthy teeth. I have one small side filling in my mouth. I got my first cavity when I was 16 and I cried. That's the only metal I have in my mouth. My old dentist used to tell me my mouth puts dentists out of business! But I do have a gap in between my front two teeth. It's a genetic thing. My mom's side of the family has it. I've lived with it for 35yrs and now that I'm getting older, it's getting wider. My dentist has been giving me options for years, but they all involve oral surgery and lots o' $$$. When I reach my goal weight, it's a reward I'm considering for myself.

Hmmmm, just thinking out loud. Maybe I'll get that boob job too, but I don't want to be one of those 60yo women with blatantly obvious implants. Then again, I've already gone down a cup size and after breastfeeding two kiddos my boobs seem to be in a race to see which one can reach my knees first. ha!

Monday, August 2, 2010

Where for art thou, dear Port

Where is my port? I know where my incision for the port is, but I have yet to feel my port. Hmmmm. Is my lack of finding it due to the layers of fat concealing it, or am I not poking and prodding hard enough? (that sounded dirty, hahaha).

Speaking of dirty...Saturday night DH and I had our first bow-chicka-wow-wow session post band... Pretty pain-free where the surgery is concerned. I'm still having some pain on the right side where one of my incisions is, but other than that it was ALL SYSTEMS GO! And go they did. wink wink, nudge nudge. ;)

Still thinking of a name for my band. Erika thought my band sounded like a Trixie, but do all bands really need to be named after strippers?!? LOL, jk dear E! Truth be told, Trixie sounds a little too much like my real name...so maybe we'll just continue to call it "She, who must not be named." Shout out, HP!

Had an interesting food day today. Just thought I would share.
-1 slimfast shake for breakfast
-1 string cheese
-Healthy Choice frozen meal crap, Sesame Chicken or something like that for lunch.
-Zone protein bar for a snack.
-Sunflower seeds for another snack
-For dinner I had a half of a small baked potato, some panko fried homegrown (not from my home mind you) zucchini, and some snow crab legs.

Not too bad. Hey, it was better than a day of Devil-Food (aka fast food).

Oh, I almost forgot!!

Because I'm a proud mom....




Sunday, August 1, 2010

Oink Oink

I'm doing it again.

Falling into old habits. It's what I've done my entire life. Afterall, how do you maintain this lovely figure I've got going on?!?! I eat horribly and I make bad choices.

Exhibit one:

Friday- P1 asks for me to take her to breakfast in the morning. Months ago I did promise to take her to get donuts one morning before school. I've been stalling and stalling and once being called out on it, I make a compromise. How does Jack in the Box sound?! Better than donuts, right?! I thought so too. So off we went, to the drive-thru. I ordered a breakfast sandwich. I wanted just the sandwich and a drink, but I was given their hashbrown sticks. So, on the way I decided to take a few bites. Band Rule #2: Don't eat while driving. BROKEN. I took a few bites (errr, finished one stick in two bites), swallowed and then felt it. You know, IT. The stake through the heart feeling. STUCK. So I took some deep breaths, opened up my shoulders through stretching and waited for it to pass. Thankfully it went down and I was free that time. So I got to work and ate my sandwich.

Then lunch time rolled around. Did I pack my lunch like a good lil bandster? Nope. So, I HAD to go buy something. I went to this great little fastfood joint and picked up a couple tacos. Not the worst choice I could have made there (their food is DIVINE!), but still. Fastfood.

So then dinnertime rolls around. Hmmmm, who wants to cook on a Friday night? Not DH. Not me. Especially since I made plans with some co-workers to go see Eclipse (again!). I needed something quick and easy. Mmmmmmmm, what sounds good. BURGERS!!! So another drive thru I frequented. That's THREE in ONE DAY. HELLO McFLY!!!!!!!??????!!!!!! THAT'S HOW YOU GOT FAT TO BEGIN WITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Grrrrr.

We get home, open up my wonderful Jalapeno Cheese Burger and realize it was a DOUBLE!! A DOUBLE?!? Really?!?!? So fat-ass me is thinking, sure I can eat this! It's extra protein, right?! So I start nibbling away. Doing good. Going down no problem. Eating some fries too. Yum Yum. No problems. Still eating. Damn this is one good burger. Before I know it...it's GONE. I ATE THE WHOLE DAMN THING!!!!! It was HUGE. I should NOT be able to eat all of that. But alas, I did. :(

But you want to hear the pisser???? As if the above wasn't bad enough.... I woke up on Saturday morning and the scale was down 2.5lbs. DOWN!?! DOWN!!!!!! WHAT THE EFF????????????????????

No wonder I'm bat-S crazy!!!!! I eat horribly and the scale has the nerve to reward that behavior?!? WTF! I just don't get it.

Yesterday, I took the big girl to get our hair cut and we stopped at a local dive and got breakfast. Again, ate too much (I was still reeling from the loss in the AM), went the rest of the day without eating again until 7pm. We had to go to a birthday party. I had a piece of pizza, two little slices of lasagna, a roll, and some salad. AGAIN, OINK OINK.

Today is now Sunday, and I'm back up 1lb. Please tell me how that is possible after the meals I've been eating? I'm SOOOO confused. (stayed tuned for the future rant post that is "How the EFF did I gain 10lbs overnight" and please slap me and direct me to this post!!!!)