Proof is in the Pictures

OK, I will officially shut the eff up now. The proof is in the pictures. The scale may be on crack, but the pictures don't lie...

TA-DA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



It's amazing what a week at the gym can do!! WOWZA! To bad I've only been once this week. :/ I know, I know.

Restriction=PAIN????

Help me out, veteran bandsters. I did a day of liquids and last night we went out to dinner. Fajitas and I could barely choke down one steak fajita. I didn't vomit, or feel like I had to.... But it hurt like the devil going down. This pain in the middle of my shoulder blades, WTF is that???? I'm hungry, but it hurts too bad to eat! I know I have to eat something, but I can't live on protein drinks forever!!! Help!!! Will it loosen up, or is this what real restriction is and I should just deal with it?

My PA who did the fill said my day should consist of a cup of coffee, two small meals and maybe a high protein snack. If it's going to continue like this, looks like coffee is going to be my best friend!

Now, don't get me wrong....it's great that I can't eat normal quantities anymore, but should it be this painful???

Shitpile

After reading a heartbreaking story over at Erika's blog, I was inspired to start my own shitpile of hurtful memories that need to leave my brain & heart and never have power over me again.

To you- Michael Salisbury. You can KISS MY ASS.

I was in 5th grade and I had just started a new school due to my dad's job transfer. It was after Christmas Break (oh, excuse me...Winter Break. Nah, it was Christmas Break!) and I was walking to my classroom when this 6th grade boy was coming towards me in the hallway. I think I had been at the school a week. Thank GOD we were alone, but as we passed by each other he looked right at me and said "You're so fat and ugly it's pathetic." I was completely shocked and caught off guard that I just couldn't believe I heard him correctly. I tried to contain my tears for the rest of the day, but I couldn't. When anyone asked what was wrong, I made up something.

That happened 25 years ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday.

So, as I was saying. Michael Salisbury, you have been added to the shitpile.

Whiplash

My mood swings regarding this band is giving me whiplash. I apologize for the fact that one post seems like normal T, and the other is super pissed off T.

Well, this post is going to be another ticked off post, so at least I'm staying consistent.

I went to see DK today for another fill. My second. I stood on the scale expecting to see some kind of loss. hahahaha 248.4 I gained .4 in 2 weeks. Depressing, isn't it? Here I am busting my hump at the gym and I gain. Grrrrrrrrrrr

So once I got over that initial shock of the sucky scale, I got my second fill. He found the port, filled the port, and then had me stand, holding the needle IN my port, by the fluoro machine. I took a drink of the barium yuck, and there is sat in my baby pouch. Didn't even drain to the bottom. It just sat there. So, he let out a little until there was a small stream, took out the needle and that was it. I received 1.2cc so now I'm at 5.6cc in a 10cc band. I feel it. Restriction. (THANK YOU GAWD). I got in my car once I left the office and I took two drinks of water and felt it NOT going down. It eventually did, but it took a lot longer than I expected it to. Two days of liquids for me, that's for sure. In another two weeks, I get to do it again!

Anyway, so that's that. Oh, I didn't go to the gym tonight. Too pooped. I took the baby and walked around the hood. I need to go to bed earlier tonight so I can go tomorrow.

My DD started back to school this week. She's in second grade and seems less than thrilled for its return. She didn't get the teacher she wanted, and there is the devil's spawn in her class again this year. Can you imagine having a first grade who has been suspended several times for behavior issues?? I can't even fathom that, but that's the kid who is in her class again this year. The first time this kid throws a chair, or kicks the teacher, I'm requesting a room change. We put up with far too much crap last year to do it again. Don't piss off Mama Bear.

Anyway, thanks again for all the comments! Keep them coming (HINT HINT!!). I also apologize for being a crappy commenter too. I read them, but you all are so popular that if you have 20+ comments, anything I would have said has already been said at least 15 times!

Well, that concludes what's going on with me this Wednesday. I hope this finds you well and skinny. ;)

@&$);;(!!&@&,;;

That sums up my mood these last few days. Insert your favorite expletives up there.

I'm failing at this. Another failed attempt at weightloss. It's been almost 2 months and I haven't lost squat.

I have no one to blame but myself. I don't exercise, then eat like crap. I do exercise, and still eat like crap. I haven't changed anything. I still eat fastfood. Then I feel guilty, then remorseful, then pissed off, then I say Eff it and do it all over again.

What is my problem?!?! Afraid of success?? Determined to stay fat???

Damn why does this have to be so hard?? Why do I always compare myself to others?? Meaning, those others who were banded at the same time and have lost 30lbs or more!!!! Why am I stuck at virtually Effin ZERO??????

Oh right. Fast food crap. Not moving daily. Not watching my portions. Eating easily 8oz of steak, a baked potato with sour cream and an artichoke with margarine (last nights dinner) and not even think twice. The other night (fri) I did a 2hr workout. 55min at a dance class called Hustle (that kicked my ass) followed by a mile walk on the treadmill and then some weight machines. Sounds great, until I went to Chipotle on Sunday and ate the entire burrito bowl (with a tortilla ) in two sittings! I shouldn't be able to eat that, right?!?!?

I go in tomorrow for another fill and I hope he clamps the damn thing. Short of wiring my damn mouth shut, something else drastic needs to happen.

Where is T and what is up with this chick?!?!

I've been doing some type of PE all this week!!! Shocking I know!!!!
Monday, I walked for 30min around the 'hood. Tuesday, I took that Zumba ( or zoom-butt as my DH now refers to it). Wednesday, I did the Elli at home, and then last night I went to the gym & worked out for 1.5hrs on various machines! The kicker?? I'm going again tonight!!! Somebody STOP me!!!!! lol. I'm actually liking the free time, the de-stress time, the girl time, and the me-time I'm getting from this!

For someone who would rather walk on hot coals naked while being chased by a pack of wild dogs than exercise, I'm surprised by my new found....uhem.... Dare I say hobby?!?! Trust me, no one could be more surprised then I am about this revelation. It seriously is a major breakthrough for me. After 4 short days, I just feel better. Ya, I'm sore, but I feel less jiggley and flabby. The scale hasn't budged, but I'm ok with it because I know I'm moving...and really that's all I can do!!!

Zumba

Took my first class on Tuesday night. Sooooo much fun. Realized just how out of shape I am though. Of course I knew I was, but that just reaffirmed it. Uggghhhhh. It was nice to see all kinds of people in there and know everyone wasn't looking at me thinking bad things. I mean, I'm there, and isn't the gym where us fatties are supposed to be?!?!? That's what I thought!!! So I walked in, didn't pay anymind to the iddy bitty boobie barbies and shook what mama gave me!!! Did I look like an uncoordinated hot mess?!? Probably. But you know what, I'd say only 5% of the people in that class looked like they knew what they were doing! So if you're thinking about going to a Zumba class, just do it!!! Remember, when in doubt... Keep shaking your ass and no one will know the difference!!! :)

Holding Pattern

Hey guys, I'm still around.

Been dealing with some sick kiddos. P2 has Roseola and P1 had a weird rash on her, that we now know was Roseola as well. Since I'm a good mom, I've kept both of them home. Hopefully P2 will be ready to go back tomorrow. She's been a nightmare these past few days. It doesn't help that she's cutting four eye-teeth (bi-cuspids?!) all at the same time. That makes for a cranky baby and a worn out mama.

Anyway...

I'm adjusting to life with the fill. The REAL fill (grrrr). I have felt pain a few times and I don't think it's really WHAT I'm eating, but rather how much and how fast I'm eating it. It always seems to be right at the beginning of the meal when I get a semi-stuck feeling. I'm sure the culprit is the Hyena-Syndrome (scarfing down food too fast before the 'hyenas' get it!). When I get that feeling, I just sit there for a minute until it passes then I'm OK to continue.

The home scale is still hovering around 250-249. Which means, no loss, still. This is beyond frustrating. Hopefully this will change soon.

Now.....brace yourselves people.

Ready????


I






AM







JOINING







A









GYM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!! ME?????????????? GYM????????????? Those two words have never co-existed in the same sentence. EVER. In my 30-something years, I've never belonged to a gym (hmmmm, maybe that's the reason I'm fat?!?) So after talking to my good friend, R, on Saturday, she convinced me to just DO IT!! She goes just about everyday and I think she is the work-out buddy I've been looking for!!!!

Well, wish me luck. I might even partake in the Go-Chicka-Go challenge on Drazil's site. :)

Fill 'er Up

I'm filled! I'm filled.

Want to know a secret?!

I was already filled.

Did I know this???


Hell to the NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

It would have been nice to know I already had 2cc in my band. I might have been more careful from the get-go. Oh well. :/

So now I'm at 4.4cc and I'm freakin' STARVING. DK wants me to do liquids for 2 days and one day of mushies. Tomorrow is the second day, and I'm having flashbacks to Pre-Op hell week. No kitty is safe. bwahahahahahaha

My fill was easy. It was a WEIRD sensation. Let me backtrack. At first, he couldn't find my port. After having me do a leg lift, he said "I think I found it". I'm thinking "you THINK?!?!". Then suddenly I feel what can only be described as a "POP". It must have been the needle penetrating the port, but it was VERY odd. Since I was so in-tune with what was going on, I felt this weird sensation when he was putting the saline back in the band. It could be all in my head, but I'm pretty sure I could feel it tightening. Again, odd.

After that was done, I had to stand in front of the fluorscope (sp?) and drink the contrast yuck. It was pretty cool to see my innards working in real time! I saw the barium come down the esophugus, get hung up at the band, and then form a stream down into the stomach. Pretty cool. He said my band looked beautiful and I should start seeing results now. OH ya. I lost ONE freakin pound since my last visit. Pathetic. He's not concerned, YET. He told me to keep my calories at 1400 and my protein at 80g. He thinks my metabolism has crashed and I need to do those things, plus do vigourous exercise, in order for it to jump start again. Ya, OK.

One thing I know, is that I'm HUNGRY. HUNGRY. HUNGRY.

I do go back in two weeks for another fill. TWO WEEKS!!!!! Insane. But I'm SOOOO ready to watch these pounds fly off me. So much in fact that I did a little retail therapy tonight.

I had a coupon to LB for a free pair of pantys. Remember, who am I to pass up anything FREE?!?! So I walk in and informed by the lovely sales lady that their clearance racks are an additional 50% OFF. <-----those right there are some of the sweetest words in the english language. Clearance. Additional. 50%. OFF!!! CHA-CHING!!! In my cloudy haze, I start grabbing stuff like it's the last time I'll be shopping in my life. (ya, I was like the only one in there too.) I found some $49 capris for $9.99!! (yes, Amy W, I know, capris are not for short girls...but humor me, they were an additional 50% off!!!!!!). But what size do I buy them in??? I couldn't decide at first, but then I got to thinking about some of the cutest clothes in my closet currently and the sizes they are. 14!!! So that's what I decided to buy. I found two pairs of capris and one pair of business slacks. I can't wait until those bad boys will fit my arse!! CAN'T WAIT I TELL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow Fill Day #1

Restriction restriction. What's your definition of that silly word?

I think most people have their own opinion of what it means. Tomorrow I will probably have my own. Well, maybe not tomorrow, hopefully in a week when the band starts working and the scale starts moving. Backwards!

I feel like I've been circling the runway for weeks now and I've finally been given the clearance to land. Good thing, this plane was almost out of fuel. This time in bandster he'll has been less than fabulous and I'm ready for the change. I'm ready to start seeing results and get this show on the road.

A while back I think I mentioned how I heard my dr was pretty aggressive on fills. I was leary of that but now I'm welcoming it!!! Bring it on, DK!!! BRING. IT. ON!!!!!!

Wish me luck!!!! Oh, at last I'll finally find my port! It's still MIA.

Digital food scale??

Great tool?? Or waste of money??? Your thoughts??

Thank you

Thanks for the encouraging words, everyone.

To answer some of the questions that have been recently asked...

Yes, I get full, but it's not until I've eaten much more than I think I should probably consume at a sitting. I'm guilty of not measuring out my food. I know, I really need to start. Eyeballing is what got me into this. Last night for dinner I had 2pc of fried flounder (thin pieces), about 6 pcs of fried zucchini with ranch dressing. A small baked potato with cheese & margarine. Fried foods and large portions. DUH.

Yes, I've taken my measurements at the beginning of the liquid diet. Last weekend, I went to LB to have a bra fitting and according to her, my bust size has increased by an inch. SWEET. How's that for salt in the wounds??

Nope, still haven't been able to find my port. I think it's probably a blessing because I'm sure I would constantly be messing with it if I knew. I'll find out soon enough on Wednesday.

Amy- Thanks for pointing out the areas in your blog archives where I sound like you. That makes me feel better and what I need to get through these rough spots.

Thanks other Amy- My sister from another mister. *hugs* hon!!

I'm still hanging in there. Confided yesterday in my DH about what I've been feeling lately. His response "The internet is full of crap, don't believe everything you read." My husband, he's a genius, no?!?! grrrrrr

Halloween in August?!

Not much going on in these parts. Oh, Satan called and he said he's going back to Hell where it's cooler. :/

I'm in TX, and it's hot. DAMN HOT. We've been dealing with over 100^ heat EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. What makes it worse, compared to home, is that it doesn't cool off at night here. This evening, after coming home from some retail therapy with the fam, at 8:30pm, it was still 97^. Ugghhh I'm so ready for fall.

Speaking of fall, when I was at one of my fave craft stores today, they had their Halloween merch out already. After the initial shock of seeing it so soon, I got a little excited. I absolutely LOVE me some Halloween. As a kid, 10-31 was a big deal and now as a parent, I get to experience it all over again through the eyes of my kiddos. My mom used to sew and she made so many of my costumes when I was young. Since I don't sew, I do what every cool mom does that wants her child to have unique costumes....I hire someone to make them!!

I'm fortunate enough to know a brilliant seamstress and the wheels are already turning as to what I'm going to suggest to my big girl this year!! haha Last year was P2's first Halloween and I wanted their costumes to coordinate. After months of brainstorming (even while I was still pregnant!), I came up with a perfect combo:




Alice in Wonderland and the Queen of Hearts, for those that can't tell. It was a hit and we got so many compliments on it!! This year I'm thinking I might not coordinate costumes this year, but I'm not going to say just yet!! Since I have a seamstress, I would love to coordinate all four of us, but maybe I will wait until next year when I'm hopefully (Read: DAMN I BETTER BE) a lot smaller.

Hmmm, what else. Today we had a birthday party to go to. I was dreading it, but it turned out to be a nice, easy-going party. It was a 6yo's Princess Tea Party theme & it was really cute. I got to decorate a teacup and saucer with markers! Ya, I got in touch with my inner DaVinci. LOL It was for P1 to do, but she lost interest and commissioned my help. I obliged. heehee

Well, this concludes my babbling for the night. It's Midnight and I need to get some sleep. Today I did ZERO around my house in the way of chores and I really need to clean it tomorrow or the health dept might stop by to pay a visit. Eeek. Night Night my peeps! Hope you're having a fabulous weekend!!

Sometimes you just need to cry

That's how I've been feeling these last few days (ok, if we're being honest, a lot longer than the last few days.)

I'm so discouraged. Confused. Angry at myself. Sorry for myself. I feel so lost in this LB journey and I can't find my big girl panties so I'm wearing a pull-up. WAHHHHHH. (side note, just as I'm writing this in a quiet house, what do I hear coming from my backyard? A low rumbling "Moo-ooooooooooo". Yes, a cow. Ironic or just downright mean?! No, I don't live on a farm...just have a pasture behind our house.)

Back to what I was saying before I was so rudely Moo-ed at. Damn cow.

Yesterday I was Googling LB fills for info and I stumbled across a doctor's site. His site is full of ads, so I was a little hesitant of the validity at first, but the more I read it, the more I was liking what I was reading. I was learning new things about the LB and the site did well at explaining everything in laymans terms and pretty good use of analogies. All was well yesterday, and I even sent the site to a few of my friends.

Then today I started reading more of it and that's when I had a mini-meltdown at work. One sentence that keeps playing over and over in my mind is "The LB will not restrict your food intake. That is up to YOU." Say what?!? I thought that was the entire point of the LB. To make it physically impossible to consume large quantities of food in one sitting. RIGHT? I mean, R.I.G.H.T.????????? The more I read, I could feel the tears welling up. "If a patient comes into my office saying they can still eat a lot so they need another fill,... they have been misinformed." HUH????

So I'm thinking that he does have some valid points, but some of it goes against everything I THOUGHT I knew about the LB and how it works. He said that if you're hungry within two hours after a meal, you should get a fill. If you can go 3-4hrs, you're probably OK. Now that, I can understand.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I just don't know how I'm going to lose all this weight. It's so frustrating and overwhelming. Now with this new found 'knowledge', now I'm really questioning how this dumb thing is going to help me lose weight. If I'll still be able to eat anything and everything, than what's the fricken point???? That is what I don't understand. If I had amazing willpower, portion control wisdom, and ate healthy then I wouldn't need the damn thing. Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (insert temper tantrum here).

I hate to be debbie-downer, but I just know I'm going to be the one fat ass that stays fat despite having a LB. Can you tell I'm pissed?!?! Here I am waiting for this fill that, in my twisted reality, is going to be just the thing I need to start dropping the weight, and now I'm not so sure.

Normally, I'm very confident and stubborn in my opinions and path that I choose for myself. To say I'm a control freak would be like calling the pope Catholic. DUH!! I like running the show when it comes to myself, and now I'm seriously just a little girl lost. Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Oh, and surprise surprise surprise. The scale continues to be a bitch. I can't really blame her. I'm eating willy-nilly and falling into the devil food tricks again. I hate this. Really really hate this.

On a happy note. 40 followers. YAE!

I hope you're still with me after reading this drag of a post.

Physical Changes

I've been thinking a lot about how I will look when I'm down a significant amount of weight. For someone who has been fat her entire life, it's not like I have 'skinny' pics to look back on. I just have variant degrees of less fat, fatter, and fattest. :/

I know it's seriously premature, but I'm thinking about going under the knife, again, when I've reached my goal weight. Keep in mind, this isn't anything new for me. There are some things about myself I've wanted to alter for a long time.

No, not the unusual plastic surgery fellow bandsters might covet like a tummy tuck or a boob job.

Mine consist of getting a nose job and my teeth fixed.

I have a decent profile, no bumps or humps on my nose, but it's pretty wide and I've always disliked it. Now, I don't want to do a Jennifer Grey when after surgery no one knows who I am, I just want it thinner.

As for my teeth. Let me brag for a second. I have perfect, healthy teeth. I have one small side filling in my mouth. I got my first cavity when I was 16 and I cried. That's the only metal I have in my mouth. My old dentist used to tell me my mouth puts dentists out of business! But I do have a gap in between my front two teeth. It's a genetic thing. My mom's side of the family has it. I've lived with it for 35yrs and now that I'm getting older, it's getting wider. My dentist has been giving me options for years, but they all involve oral surgery and lots o' $$$. When I reach my goal weight, it's a reward I'm considering for myself.

Hmmmm, just thinking out loud. Maybe I'll get that boob job too, but I don't want to be one of those 60yo women with blatantly obvious implants. Then again, I've already gone down a cup size and after breastfeeding two kiddos my boobs seem to be in a race to see which one can reach my knees first. ha!

Where for art thou, dear Port

Where is my port? I know where my incision for the port is, but I have yet to feel my port. Hmmmm. Is my lack of finding it due to the layers of fat concealing it, or am I not poking and prodding hard enough? (that sounded dirty, hahaha).

Speaking of dirty...Saturday night DH and I had our first bow-chicka-wow-wow session post band... Pretty pain-free where the surgery is concerned. I'm still having some pain on the right side where one of my incisions is, but other than that it was ALL SYSTEMS GO! And go they did. wink wink, nudge nudge. ;)

Still thinking of a name for my band. Erika thought my band sounded like a Trixie, but do all bands really need to be named after strippers?!? LOL, jk dear E! Truth be told, Trixie sounds a little too much like my real name...so maybe we'll just continue to call it "She, who must not be named." Shout out, HP!

Had an interesting food day today. Just thought I would share.
-1 slimfast shake for breakfast
-1 string cheese
-Healthy Choice frozen meal crap, Sesame Chicken or something like that for lunch.
-Zone protein bar for a snack.
-Sunflower seeds for another snack
-For dinner I had a half of a small baked potato, some panko fried homegrown (not from my home mind you) zucchini, and some snow crab legs.

Not too bad. Hey, it was better than a day of Devil-Food (aka fast food).

Oh, I almost forgot!!

Because I'm a proud mom....

Oink Oink

I'm doing it again.

Falling into old habits. It's what I've done my entire life. Afterall, how do you maintain this lovely figure I've got going on?!?! I eat horribly and I make bad choices.

Exhibit one:

Friday- P1 asks for me to take her to breakfast in the morning. Months ago I did promise to take her to get donuts one morning before school. I've been stalling and stalling and once being called out on it, I make a compromise. How does Jack in the Box sound?! Better than donuts, right?! I thought so too. So off we went, to the drive-thru. I ordered a breakfast sandwich. I wanted just the sandwich and a drink, but I was given their hashbrown sticks. So, on the way I decided to take a few bites. Band Rule #2: Don't eat while driving. BROKEN. I took a few bites (errr, finished one stick in two bites), swallowed and then felt it. You know, IT. The stake through the heart feeling. STUCK. So I took some deep breaths, opened up my shoulders through stretching and waited for it to pass. Thankfully it went down and I was free that time. So I got to work and ate my sandwich.

Then lunch time rolled around. Did I pack my lunch like a good lil bandster? Nope. So, I HAD to go buy something. I went to this great little fastfood joint and picked up a couple tacos. Not the worst choice I could have made there (their food is DIVINE!), but still. Fastfood.

So then dinnertime rolls around. Hmmmm, who wants to cook on a Friday night? Not DH. Not me. Especially since I made plans with some co-workers to go see Eclipse (again!). I needed something quick and easy. Mmmmmmmm, what sounds good. BURGERS!!! So another drive thru I frequented. That's THREE in ONE DAY. HELLO McFLY!!!!!!!??????!!!!!! THAT'S HOW YOU GOT FAT TO BEGIN WITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Grrrrr.

We get home, open up my wonderful Jalapeno Cheese Burger and realize it was a DOUBLE!! A DOUBLE?!? Really?!?!? So fat-ass me is thinking, sure I can eat this! It's extra protein, right?! So I start nibbling away. Doing good. Going down no problem. Eating some fries too. Yum Yum. No problems. Still eating. Damn this is one good burger. Before I know it...it's GONE. I ATE THE WHOLE DAMN THING!!!!! It was HUGE. I should NOT be able to eat all of that. But alas, I did. :(

But you want to hear the pisser???? As if the above wasn't bad enough.... I woke up on Saturday morning and the scale was down 2.5lbs. DOWN!?! DOWN!!!!!! WHAT THE EFF????????????????????

No wonder I'm bat-S crazy!!!!! I eat horribly and the scale has the nerve to reward that behavior?!? WTF! I just don't get it.

Yesterday, I took the big girl to get our hair cut and we stopped at a local dive and got breakfast. Again, ate too much (I was still reeling from the loss in the AM), went the rest of the day without eating again until 7pm. We had to go to a birthday party. I had a piece of pizza, two little slices of lasagna, a roll, and some salad. AGAIN, OINK OINK.

Today is now Sunday, and I'm back up 1lb. Please tell me how that is possible after the meals I've been eating? I'm SOOOO confused. (stayed tuned for the future rant post that is "How the EFF did I gain 10lbs overnight" and please slap me and direct me to this post!!!!)

Am I following you??

I can't believe I'm almost up to 40 followers!! That's awesome!!! If I'm not following you, please leave me a comment with a link to your blog and I will gladly oblige! :)

It's that time: Pic post

OK, so you all know how the scale and I have been at war, right? Well, despite that BEE-OTCH giving me a hard time, I think I actually have a NSV to report. Now, the fat chick that is moi will probably say a million reasons why these look the way the look (weight wise), but I'll keep those negative thoughts to myself (errr, I'll probably just save them for another post!)...


TADA




Me on the left was a taken a week ago. Me on the right was taken yesterday. In just a weeks time, could there be such a difference?!? Again, I'll keep my opinions to myself. ;)